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5.27.2011
5.11.2011
Yoga is for peaceful people
I said it half-jokingly but there was this transperancy to my words as soon as they slipped past my lips. I might as well have said, "i'm not allowing myself to partake in things that would make me feel good because i'm not a good person."
I'd spent most of the last hour spilling the contents of my head, and sharing the events of the past couple months with my therapist.
I love how my words become more then just words with Julian, she reads me like a book and reveals what can only be read between the lines.
Between an unexpected apology in my inbox, one that found me in the fetal position on my bathroom floor crying bittersweet tears, and then a mailbox full of all my old graduation cards reminiscent of such an unsure time, the third week of April really kicked me off my chair & forced me to think about days goneby. Feelings that are never far from the surface to begin with, came back with a vengeance.
So there it is in a nutshell, the big revelation, insert seventeen-year old girl & seven-years of no growth in the department of my emotions, and you have my tragic truth.
It threw me for a loop, all these isolated events coming together. Why did this person choose to email me now, seven-years later? Why did Mom clean out their garage and find these cards now? And why did I find a blog post on a blog I haven't read in months that would resonate so deeply with me, after my own similar therapy session.
Simply because there are no accidents.
A philosophy i'm still trying to wrap my head around, not because it's so ground-breaking, but because it's hard to rest in the peace that everything happens for a reason, and the timing of events is to serve a purpose, a lesson, a window of opportunity to grow.
My pain has been self-inflicted. It serves as both punishment and protection. The thought process being: "i'll treat myself worse than you can, so you can't hurt me. I'll provoke myself so that when you try to it won't come as a surprise." But in so doing, i've grounded myself from flying away from this low place. I have been keeping myself a prisoner because that is what I deserve.
It's uncomfortable to know this about myself, to have Julian make me understand that I am more comfortable with treating myself as a failure than as someone who possess the power to evolve and grow into the person i've told myself i'll never be.
Perspective is my jailbreak, but isn't it always?
This is me breaking free. This is the inspiration behind a new blog(coming soon), a new chapter, one that isn't dictated by negative self-talk. This is my new vow to myself, to believe in the person I am at my core, but have hidden out of fear, the fear to change. This is me on a path that travels above the opinions of others, that forces me to listen to the person I am when i'm quiet, to accept myself, and as a result love the people in my life with a heart that isn't heavy, one that is free.
I'd spent most of the last hour spilling the contents of my head, and sharing the events of the past couple months with my therapist.
I love how my words become more then just words with Julian, she reads me like a book and reveals what can only be read between the lines.
Between an unexpected apology in my inbox, one that found me in the fetal position on my bathroom floor crying bittersweet tears, and then a mailbox full of all my old graduation cards reminiscent of such an unsure time, the third week of April really kicked me off my chair & forced me to think about days goneby. Feelings that are never far from the surface to begin with, came back with a vengeance.
"Emotionally I have not progressed beyond that (blank)-year-old girl. I have physically carried that failure for (blank) years. It has affected every relationship I have ever had... And tragically it has robbed me of the happiness I should have been relishing."A quote from one of my favorite writers, Heather Armstrong, also coincidently published the last week of April about her own recent therapy session.
So there it is in a nutshell, the big revelation, insert seventeen-year old girl & seven-years of no growth in the department of my emotions, and you have my tragic truth.
It threw me for a loop, all these isolated events coming together. Why did this person choose to email me now, seven-years later? Why did Mom clean out their garage and find these cards now? And why did I find a blog post on a blog I haven't read in months that would resonate so deeply with me, after my own similar therapy session.
Simply because there are no accidents.
A philosophy i'm still trying to wrap my head around, not because it's so ground-breaking, but because it's hard to rest in the peace that everything happens for a reason, and the timing of events is to serve a purpose, a lesson, a window of opportunity to grow.
My pain has been self-inflicted. It serves as both punishment and protection. The thought process being: "i'll treat myself worse than you can, so you can't hurt me. I'll provoke myself so that when you try to it won't come as a surprise." But in so doing, i've grounded myself from flying away from this low place. I have been keeping myself a prisoner because that is what I deserve.
It's uncomfortable to know this about myself, to have Julian make me understand that I am more comfortable with treating myself as a failure than as someone who possess the power to evolve and grow into the person i've told myself i'll never be.
Perspective is my jailbreak, but isn't it always?
This is me breaking free. This is the inspiration behind a new blog(coming soon), a new chapter, one that isn't dictated by negative self-talk. This is my new vow to myself, to believe in the person I am at my core, but have hidden out of fear, the fear to change. This is me on a path that travels above the opinions of others, that forces me to listen to the person I am when i'm quiet, to accept myself, and as a result love the people in my life with a heart that isn't heavy, one that is free.
5.02.2011
Night Shift
It's quiet.
Im enjoying seeing the momentary confusion & then smiles when they see my face walk in after pushing their call buttons. They know im never here at this time.
Lots of giggling born out of sheer exhaustion. I love tired giggles.
Calls for help because they are trying to have a bowel movement but they cant get it out. Wonder how they suppose i can assist with that?? I wish them luck. They appreciate it. Priceless.
I timed my "lunch" break perfectly with the krispy kreme delivery man at Gate, the gas station at 3 o'clock in the morning. I get a donut from yesterday for free. Niccce. A happy surprise.
I get the comment, "i cant believe your husband let you work this shift" several times. In a weird way it makes me thankful my husband doesnt put boundaries on me like that.
Oh & Osama is dead.
What a night.
Im enjoying seeing the momentary confusion & then smiles when they see my face walk in after pushing their call buttons. They know im never here at this time.
Lots of giggling born out of sheer exhaustion. I love tired giggles.
Calls for help because they are trying to have a bowel movement but they cant get it out. Wonder how they suppose i can assist with that?? I wish them luck. They appreciate it. Priceless.
I timed my "lunch" break perfectly with the krispy kreme delivery man at Gate, the gas station at 3 o'clock in the morning. I get a donut from yesterday for free. Niccce. A happy surprise.
I get the comment, "i cant believe your husband let you work this shift" several times. In a weird way it makes me thankful my husband doesnt put boundaries on me like that.
Oh & Osama is dead.
What a night.
My Saturday
I was up before the sun. It's been awhile since i could say that. Too long.
It was unseasonably cool- North Face jacket weather to be exact. By late morning i was sweating in my tank top & it was too late to notice i was getting baked. There is something happy tho, about the first good burn of the season.
I fixed a pot of coffee for the first time since moving in. The coffee pot was still shoved in a top kitchen shelf, reminding me that im really not much of a home coffee drinker. It added a nice homey smell to a space that is still gaining "homey" status.
Our across-the-street neighbor, Natalee came over for support & pumpkin muffins. Her husband, Bud came over more times then necessary to make sure i didnt need help with any heavy lifting & to make sure hagglers werent taking advantage of me. They have the sweet neighbors gig down to a tee.
Our other neighbors, George & Gladys, or who z&i call "the canadians" came over for a formal introduction. They told me we live in Buella's house. It was sweet to have a name for the woman who loved this house before us, actually from it's beginning all the way thru her old age.
Later, i met one of the biggest spiders that i think i've ever seen, easily the size of my palm. I killed it with a hardbound michael connelly novel. Then i watched the ants come devour the free buffet.
I talked to my best friend about epic reunion plans for late this summer.
All while happily watching our junk walk away in the hands of strangers.
What didnt sell, i drove to Goodwill, the cherry on my hot fudge sundae... Felt so cleansing.
When Z came home from work we gave the house its first good bath. Like as in the hands & knees grout scrubbing variety. And we hung our first picture which seemed like the perfect way to celebrate our one-month anniversary of being homeowners. I must admit, this whole slow move in process was working all my nerves in the beginning but i have grown to love it. It has been a beautiful slow dance, the house & us, taking our time getting to know one another.
I baked a turkey casserole box dinner & corn muffins & threw together a ceasar salad mix a week past its sell-by date & we ate outside in our rocking chairs.
All in all, a very peaceful day. The kind that remind me that life at its core, tho sometimes rough around the edges, is indeed good.
It was unseasonably cool- North Face jacket weather to be exact. By late morning i was sweating in my tank top & it was too late to notice i was getting baked. There is something happy tho, about the first good burn of the season.
I fixed a pot of coffee for the first time since moving in. The coffee pot was still shoved in a top kitchen shelf, reminding me that im really not much of a home coffee drinker. It added a nice homey smell to a space that is still gaining "homey" status.
Our across-the-street neighbor, Natalee came over for support & pumpkin muffins. Her husband, Bud came over more times then necessary to make sure i didnt need help with any heavy lifting & to make sure hagglers werent taking advantage of me. They have the sweet neighbors gig down to a tee.
Our other neighbors, George & Gladys, or who z&i call "the canadians" came over for a formal introduction. They told me we live in Buella's house. It was sweet to have a name for the woman who loved this house before us, actually from it's beginning all the way thru her old age.
Later, i met one of the biggest spiders that i think i've ever seen, easily the size of my palm. I killed it with a hardbound michael connelly novel. Then i watched the ants come devour the free buffet.
I talked to my best friend about epic reunion plans for late this summer.
All while happily watching our junk walk away in the hands of strangers.
What didnt sell, i drove to Goodwill, the cherry on my hot fudge sundae... Felt so cleansing.
When Z came home from work we gave the house its first good bath. Like as in the hands & knees grout scrubbing variety. And we hung our first picture which seemed like the perfect way to celebrate our one-month anniversary of being homeowners. I must admit, this whole slow move in process was working all my nerves in the beginning but i have grown to love it. It has been a beautiful slow dance, the house & us, taking our time getting to know one another.
I baked a turkey casserole box dinner & corn muffins & threw together a ceasar salad mix a week past its sell-by date & we ate outside in our rocking chairs.
All in all, a very peaceful day. The kind that remind me that life at its core, tho sometimes rough around the edges, is indeed good.
Update
I tried to upload some pics to show life as of lately for us at the library last week, but the "server rejected" message put a stop to that.
I settled with facebook for now. I'm still struggling with my relationship with facebook. It's mostly convenient & i love some of the people i get to be in communication with because of it. The rest is still sketchy & i'm figuring it out as i go.
SO, i think my blogging is going to have to be put on hold until we join this century & purchase a computer.
Maybe a thought or two will be posted between then & now.
I settled with facebook for now. I'm still struggling with my relationship with facebook. It's mostly convenient & i love some of the people i get to be in communication with because of it. The rest is still sketchy & i'm figuring it out as i go.
SO, i think my blogging is going to have to be put on hold until we join this century & purchase a computer.
Maybe a thought or two will be posted between then & now.
3.30.2011
this kind of love
my best friend made this mix years ago. but i discovered a sister hazel song i'd never noticed before.
it made my eyes well up with tears on that drive home, just me, the moonlight & the freeway- my heart bursting with gratitude that these words couldn't be truer when it comes to the love between my husband & i.
i came home, walked thru the door, popped it into the cd player, took Zane's hand & pulled him up while we slowed danced around the living room.
it made my eyes well up with tears on that drive home, just me, the moonlight & the freeway- my heart bursting with gratitude that these words couldn't be truer when it comes to the love between my husband & i.
i came home, walked thru the door, popped it into the cd player, took Zane's hand & pulled him up while we slowed danced around the living room.
stronger?
i think my job is helping me to be more assertive. that & life experience over the past year.
working with seniors has been delightful, a truly positive experience. without trying to be amusing, it's really like working with babies, like 30 at a time.
i'm over what we call 'front hall' & it's known as a more dependent hallway as far as residents needs are concerned... vs. the more self-sufficient 'back hall' which i never get assigned. it's sort of flattering that this has become my hallway. at least that's what i remind myself when it gets hairy:) & the point of that is not to toot my horn, but to emphasis by default, i am feeling stronger because i have to be for them.
i understand seniors in a way that i never could have without this job & for that i feel so thankful that this opportunity dropped into my lap. i could go on & on about what i learn from them day to day, and occasionally i probably will babble a bit along those lines:)
i am enjoying a job that gives me stories to go home with every night. that is the coolest.
& while i'm rambling about my job, i loooove working nights. i was made to work nights, i can't imagine going back to mornings.
anyway back to the point about feeling stronger. i made a phone call a few days ago that i didn't foresee ever being able to make a few months ago. it was a healthy move, a baby step toward rebuilding that relationship.
& i didn't feel like a little girl controlled by the world around her. i felt like a woman, strong in her own rite.
working with seniors has been delightful, a truly positive experience. without trying to be amusing, it's really like working with babies, like 30 at a time.
i'm over what we call 'front hall' & it's known as a more dependent hallway as far as residents needs are concerned... vs. the more self-sufficient 'back hall' which i never get assigned. it's sort of flattering that this has become my hallway. at least that's what i remind myself when it gets hairy:) & the point of that is not to toot my horn, but to emphasis by default, i am feeling stronger because i have to be for them.
i understand seniors in a way that i never could have without this job & for that i feel so thankful that this opportunity dropped into my lap. i could go on & on about what i learn from them day to day, and occasionally i probably will babble a bit along those lines:)
i am enjoying a job that gives me stories to go home with every night. that is the coolest.
& while i'm rambling about my job, i loooove working nights. i was made to work nights, i can't imagine going back to mornings.
anyway back to the point about feeling stronger. i made a phone call a few days ago that i didn't foresee ever being able to make a few months ago. it was a healthy move, a baby step toward rebuilding that relationship.
& i didn't feel like a little girl controlled by the world around her. i felt like a woman, strong in her own rite.
praise for etsy
i can't speak highly enough of http://www.etsy.com/.
i stalk that place on a daily basis. i have made about 4 purchases, with a few more planned in the future & every time i am blown away by this little (actually huge) creative community.
every time i receive my purchase via mail it's like getting a delightful package from a friend. it's always hand-wrapped with care with personal notes enclosed.
i like that.
i stalk that place on a daily basis. i have made about 4 purchases, with a few more planned in the future & every time i am blown away by this little (actually huge) creative community.
every time i receive my purchase via mail it's like getting a delightful package from a friend. it's always hand-wrapped with care with personal notes enclosed.
i like that.
to blog or not
i've thought about writing 100x in the past couple months. i've actually taken pen to paper a handful of those times & today i make it official, blog-style.
blame it on transitioning to 'home-owner' & starting a new job that continues to evolve in the form of safety committees, med tech class & actual med-tech training that starts next week.
writing, for me, puts me in 'serious mode' and makes my mind go to places that are sometimes hard to swallow. it holds me to this higher standard that brings a level of responsibility & reality that sometimes is easier to just avoid.
to sum it up, it sort of feels like i get to escape growing pains if i leave the pen down.
bad anna i know. i should always be up for growth right? but the truth is, i'm not always up for it.
blame it on transitioning to 'home-owner' & starting a new job that continues to evolve in the form of safety committees, med tech class & actual med-tech training that starts next week.
writing, for me, puts me in 'serious mode' and makes my mind go to places that are sometimes hard to swallow. it holds me to this higher standard that brings a level of responsibility & reality that sometimes is easier to just avoid.
to sum it up, it sort of feels like i get to escape growing pains if i leave the pen down.
bad anna i know. i should always be up for growth right? but the truth is, i'm not always up for it.
to-do-list
Last night we went to Lowe's to look at paint colors. We have a photo of a houseboat in seattle that is more or less guiding our choices for the living room, but it was still agonizing.
We finally ended up with two paint chips called "trolley" & "rain puddle" aka bright red & pale grey. Sounds weird. Zane was on board before I was, but i'm officially excited about them.
Inspection day this morning with Mr. McGrew, also one of our last steps before we close in the morning.
He said lots of pretty things like, "i'm trying really hard to find something wrong with your house & i can't find anything guys."
There is probably a 10-page report with two columns on every page that say "major" & "minor." All the "major" columns are blank...
(Angels are singing somewhere on our behalf).
One of the HUGE highlights was to discover that we have a well that is connected to an irrigation system in both the front & back yard.
Endless water + cheap water bills? Yes, please! (We actually did a happy dance in the presence of Mr. McGrew).
Next was the termite inspection with Mr. Allen, which we also passed.
I was making small talk with the man over my afternoon dose of caffeine, when he said, "are you in a hurry or something?"
I told him I wasn't at all to which he then replied, "well this is going to take about 20-minutes (dot, dot, dot)
Ok, ok, hint taken. I was highly amused & shared this story with Zane via text message.
He replied with, "Sorry. I like your small talk." Awww...
Looking forward to making the jump to 'home-owners' tomorrow!
We finally ended up with two paint chips called "trolley" & "rain puddle" aka bright red & pale grey. Sounds weird. Zane was on board before I was, but i'm officially excited about them.
Inspection day this morning with Mr. McGrew, also one of our last steps before we close in the morning.
He said lots of pretty things like, "i'm trying really hard to find something wrong with your house & i can't find anything guys."
There is probably a 10-page report with two columns on every page that say "major" & "minor." All the "major" columns are blank...
(Angels are singing somewhere on our behalf).
One of the HUGE highlights was to discover that we have a well that is connected to an irrigation system in both the front & back yard.
Endless water + cheap water bills? Yes, please! (We actually did a happy dance in the presence of Mr. McGrew).
Next was the termite inspection with Mr. Allen, which we also passed.
I was making small talk with the man over my afternoon dose of caffeine, when he said, "are you in a hurry or something?"
I told him I wasn't at all to which he then replied, "well this is going to take about 20-minutes (dot, dot, dot)
Ok, ok, hint taken. I was highly amused & shared this story with Zane via text message.
He replied with, "Sorry. I like your small talk." Awww...
Looking forward to making the jump to 'home-owners' tomorrow!
sign
"i woke up in the blue room with the cracked ceiling. then i dressed in a hurry and snuck out the side door and walked into town. i stopped by my favorite cafe and drank a bowl size cup of coffee. i walked in the warm sand down to the beach early in the morning. it was quiet there. i laid on my towel and i looked at my feet that were tan and pretty against the crashing waves. the seagulls watched me, but only for the possibility of food. my hair whipped my face. i sat up to read the book i brought with me. it was a perfect day."
2.07.2011
Goodbye winter!
A word on humor
It was one of those magical moments where i was bursting at the seams to show Zane something funny & i just knew he would think it was funny too. i adore that moment where you're waiting anxiously for them to read the punch line & then the immense joy you feel when you finally hear that familiar laughter you knew was coming... aw...such a good feeling. To be on the same humor wave-length is so necessary.
Out with the old...
Zane is unlike me in the sense that he doesn't need to regularly purge his possesions like i do. Hence the reason he has a ridiculous amount of clothing, some dating back to his freshman year of high school. That makes them, let's see... like 9-years old. I can hardly keep things for 9-months. Anyway, his neck grew an inch, and breathing was becoming a hazard.
To see all these shirts bound for Goodwill was positively euphoric.
A word on watches
In my defense, wearing one at work is useful.
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