Luv to sweep clean

Work keeps pulling rank on my eggnog latte.  I'm about to pull rank on Work. 

It's time for change.

Speaking of change. I've officially closed my since-seventh-grade-email-account.  It's not really a big deal, but I felt myself breathe a little tiny internal sigh of relief when i clicked 'deactivate' this afternoon.  That chapter is officially closed. 

I'm thankful that the seeds of change started to grow a few months ago when we decided to put roots into our little piece of Florida.  I think that decision has changed a lot for us, even if temporarily it's just invisible change inside myself, inside ouuuurselves.

I have taken baby steps to purge our apartment.  It's no where near finished, but I have lists of things to organize, actual piles to organize, garbage bags of stuff to get rid of, even a handful of boxes in various stages of packing. 

I hope this act isn't "counting our chickens before they're hatched." We still have yet to hear back from the bank. 

They've officially surpassed their November-5th-decision-date, meaning we will have to request an extension.  Which... when Jeff told us this back in September, I assumed then that we would have to request an extension.  I assumed it wouldn't be all: 'wham bam thank you mam, here's your keys." But now that it's November 27th, and we still have yet to hear word... it feels a little more discouraging then I wanted it to.

It's a process i know, i know, i know, i know.

Still.  For myself, I must move forward & hope for the best.  So i continue to browse ikea's website & dream of cozy new spaces...

Up in the air or not... life is oh-so-good.  We had the best Thanksgiving ever.  Well maybe not ever.  But it was pretty dang good.  I've never been so happy & settled... it's been a good six-years since I feel that i've had any sort of roots.. and roots are wooonnderful let me tell you.

We were graciously invited to a couple different places, but we opted to stay in, which is so us.  We are such homebodies, we really are.  Not to mention, days off together are such a rarity, that we tend to be pretty selfish with them.  We also made a pact to have a non-tradish turkey-less day.  We went a little southern actually.  Chicken fried steak/made-from-scratch stuffin'/mashed sweet pah-tay-tahs & spiced hot apple cider (on the stove!) .... among maaaany other deeelish items.  We had all the elements of a good t-day... each other, all-day cooking sesh, house full of smelly goodness, movies & x-mas tunes!!! 

The feeling of acceptance of our *new* life, the saying goodbye to, 'maybe next year we'll go *home* ... it makes for all kinds of warm fuzzies that start from my toes & run laps all over my body.  

It's not perfect, or free of worry, and often it's still very confusing... but it's allllllll goooooood, and right now I can't ask for more.

in-between

i feel so uninspired as of late.  i think the 'in-between' feeling of my life is to blame.  i think the only solution is to wait.  i don't like to wait. 

i pick up the camera, and put it down when i realize it doesn't have a memory card.  i know where the memory card is, i just can't bring myself to bring the two objects together.

i pick up my pen to write, and put it down in frustration when i think of the material in my head.

i've talked about school a lot lately.  it's something i'm pulled toward strongly these days.  i see the obstacles between it & me, yet i can't make myself move forward. 

i feel frozen.

i dislike my jobs, one more then the other.  i essentially get paid to surf the internet.  this should make me happy. it doesn't.  i want something real. 

i'm up against a wall at this point.  nothing will feel real until i go to school.  i never thought this would be the reason i would want an education.

still. i'm scared to commit to an education.  it feels like a prison in my mind.  what if i won't get to travel for years?  traveling makes me feel alive.  4-5 years will seem like a blip in the radar someday... but it doesn't right now.  I wish i could get out of my head & out of 'right now.'

in my most optimistic state of mind, i tell myself the process will be just like this house has been.  scarier in my head then it is in reality.  but then i feel foolish for thinking so because the house isn't ours yet.  what if we're still in for some scary twists & turns??

once a pessimist realist, always a pessimist.

i wish i wasn't such a slave to *things.*  i really hate *things.*  sweaters/lattes/magazines/mcdonalds....  so unnecessary.

i feel like i'm waiting to someday magically change. is that silly or what.  so when will i find the strength to be the person i want to be?

at the same time i'm tired of not being content with right now.  i don't want to be unhappy because my photos aren't beautiful enough or that i can't speak another language, or that my house isn't worthy of being in the pages of a magazine, or that i haven't been able to explore all the exotic locations i want to... i want the imperfect me, the unfinished me to be ok. 

& somedays it is... but i want those days to outnumber the other ones.  am i asking too much? sometimes i feel like i am. 

WHHHHAAATEV.

Something Priceless

 

Pictures drawn by my son for "the lady he grew out of."   

Yes he knows about me. 

Fashionably late

but it officially feels like November should feel

The universe must have heard me panicking

We found out on monday that our file had been assigned to an employee at Sun Trust. 

This was after the mini panic attack i'd had the night before where i babbled & sobbed into Zane's knees about many things, but one such rant may or may not have gone something like, "we're never going to get the house, and i don't even care because it's just a stupid house anyway!"

and other such nonsense that i didn't actually mean.   

I had Zane call Jeff The Realtor to get the name of the person who was handling our case so we could harrass begin building a relationship with he or she.  We were denied access to a name.  Guess there were too many people before us with the same line of thought.

More waiting. 

Fast forward to thursday when Zane leaves me this really looooong message explaining how Jeff The Realtor had called and told him that he'd gotten the BEST possible news.  That news being that the bank had sent an apprasier to our house this week & that we would hear from them by mid-week whether or not they are willing to accept our offer.

I breathed a little tiny sigh of relief.  Hoping for  bigger sighs on wednesday-ish?