i pick up the camera, and put it down when i realize it doesn't have a memory card. i know where the memory card is, i just can't bring myself to bring the two objects together.
i pick up my pen to write, and put it down in frustration when i think of the material in my head.
i've talked about school a lot lately. it's something i'm pulled toward strongly these days. i see the obstacles between it & me, yet i can't make myself move forward.
i feel frozen.
i dislike my jobs, one more then the other. i essentially get paid to surf the internet. this should make me happy. it doesn't. i want something real.
i'm up against a wall at this point. nothing will feel real until i go to school. i never thought this would be the reason i would want an education.
still. i'm scared to commit to an education. it feels like a prison in my mind. what if i won't get to travel for years? traveling makes me feel alive. 4-5 years will seem like a blip in the radar someday... but it doesn't right now. I wish i could get out of my head & out of 'right now.'
in my most optimistic state of mind, i tell myself the process will be just like this house has been. scarier in my head then it is in reality. but then i feel foolish for thinking so because the house isn't ours yet. what if we're still in for some scary twists & turns??
once a
i wish i wasn't such a slave to *things.* i really hate *things.* sweaters/lattes/magazines/mcdonalds.... so unnecessary.
i feel like i'm waiting to someday magically change. is that silly or what. so when will i find the strength to be the person i want to be?
at the same time i'm tired of not being content with right now. i don't want to be unhappy because my photos aren't beautiful enough or that i can't speak another language, or that my house isn't worthy of being in the pages of a magazine, or that i haven't been able to explore all the exotic locations i want to... i want the imperfect me, the unfinished me to be ok.
& somedays it is... but i want those days to outnumber the other ones. am i asking too much? sometimes i feel like i am.
WHHHHAAATEV.
Sounds like you're in "STALL" Phase. I think we all go through that in our lives...where we don't know exactly which direction to go or maybe we're too afraid of giving in to or giving up something for something better. It's hard to just be content sometimes and/or to even know if it really is discontentment OR if it is OK to move forward....to take the next step. I'm sure you're praying about it...but I have faith that you'll make and take the right steps and go in the right direction, whatever that ends up being!!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteI have similar thoughts much of the time. I get frustrated with my discontent. And when I am honest and really internalize, I have to admit to myself that I have it pretty good. There is much to be thankful for and yet I find more to complain about. It's nice you're able to think it through. Write it out. I love a card that I gave to someone a long time ago that says, "Someday we'll look back on all of this and puke!"
ReplyDeleteI think of you every day. I pray for you every time I pray. Love you lots!
Ok going to school doesn't mean you can't travel. You just have specific times you have to go. Summer, spring break, christmas break, etc. You've had a long break and college is completely different so maybe just go for it. It might be part of finding yourself or figuring out what your life is about.
ReplyDelete