just livin

got both evie & aidan after aidan being gone for a whole month- feels great!! -ash- check out your cockroach that you helped me dispose of! (ew-sorry about the hair- shows how much i vacuum under my couch!) -the beautiful moon we saw the other night from our front door -& a little candlelight dinner zane & shared one night with little roxy- he cooked the BEST steak & mashed potatoes- such a good homecooked dinner=)

when will i learn??

*sigh* i think i'm finally getting something. it started with a visit from a friend sunday afternoon. she was talking about the Friends in Mississipi - there are only about 150 of them in the whole state. & she was saying there was something really special about them- that nobody has money- some were even just struggling to get by - but they are choosing to live this way. & this was the clencher for me- she said they choose to work less, to focus on family and inevitably... settle for living with less. she said some people might consider them lazy, but their main priority is to just spend as much time with their family. so then last night after work, i begged zane to come home early with me, i just was really needing to be with my husband. so he clocked off a couple hours early & we went home. and slept, legs entwined for a good 3-hours on the couch. it was heavenly. we woke up to go to bible study & everyone told us how stressed we looked. (by everyone i mean all 3 other people - ha) & i realized i was stressed. i hadn't even really been aware of this fact. why tho? so i thought about my week- it'd been a long three-days because Evan has been home sick all week with a vicious cough. but it wasn't just that. i thought i was excited to have the opportunity to make some extra money with a random babysitting job i was offered monday/wednesday night. but i realized it was making my anxiety go thru the roof after a phone call from the mom, who wasn't understanding that i couldn't come earlier than 8pm because i had bible study. & how freaked out it made her that i would even ask if my husband could come with me & getting lost in ormond-by-the-sea trying to find their house on some poorly labeled private road & spending time with three kids who are use to having nannies come in & out of their lives so they have very little respect for a new babysitter who watches them on their week-long vacation from minnesota. me freaking out as they test my boundaries- jumping over neighbor's fences & running down the block completely igorning my pleas to stop running toward the busy road & having to chase them down & how much relief i feel when she cancels because our schedules are clashing. i've gotten so immune to feeling anxious, i hadn't even stopped long enough to listen to what my body was screaming at me. so why do i feel like i have to put myself in all these stressful situations when i already have enough money to pay for my rent & put food in my tummy. my theory all along has been "work hard, play hard" but it's obviously not working out for me. why am i just getting this?? we live in a society that aspires to have the best of everything no matter what the cost is. have i gotten sucked in so much that i can't say no when i need to? so i woke up feeling this need to quit my weekend job at the restaurant. i would have so much more peace & simplicity in my life if i did, but i'm absolutely dreading the conversation this is going to bring about with my boss. he's not going to understand. he's going to look at me like i'm crazy like he always does & tell me stories about how he worked three jobs while he raised two little boys when he was my age. & that i'm lazy. & he'll also tell me how awful it is that i would have 'free' time on my hands -time that is 'unaccounted' for in his words- & of course i would commit some terrible sin against my husband if i'm not busy at all times. but i am stronger than this right?! i can do this! i can handle his false accusastions & i can handle disappointing him & say no to the good money & say hello to more peace in my life. maybe i'm not being clear or making sense. i'm leaving out some of the details & personal reasons & generalizing some parts, like the babysitting. i love the kids i watch now. deeply. i just have reached my limit when it comes to strangers anymore. for now anyway. & i'm tired of the negative energy in the waitressing world. the smoking, the rude customers, the lack of brotherly love between waitresses. i just want out. i'm rambling & embarrassing myself i'm sure...

thinking out loud

"it has taken me such a long time to realize that few things in life are simple, that so many things are mixed. a bit of this alongside a bit of that. good & evil dancing with each other so tightly, only one subatomic particle between them, while indifference looks on, as a chaperone, with her two lazy eyes, neither one of them capable of focusing. they dance so fast, good & evil, these two polar opposites. so tightly & furiously. you can't dance with just one of these partners. if you cut into their dance, you end up with both, as a threesome. and if you fear cutting into the dance and taking a spin with good & evil, you end up dancing with the cross-eyed, ugly chaperone." -excerpt from Carlos Eire's: Waiting for Snow in Havana.

this caught my attention last night when i read it. remembering again how familiar i am with all things complicated. the opposite of simple. feeling thankful for recent conversations between friends who encourage us & remind us that we're not perfect. & that's ok -as long as we get back up & try again. so here's to getting back up & walking in a new direction -towards the few simplicities in life, the things that are black & white. & leaving those complicated shades of grey behind us.

something to smile about

i have found extreme joy in some silly things this week -things to fill the pages of my gratitude journal...

1- singing at the top of my lungs to celine dion. her songs are so dramatic. the best kind to really throw yourself into. plus i'm sick & tired of being embarrassed when i'm all alone. i'm forcing myself to come out of my shell.
2- i'm more than halfway thru New Moon. i'm trying to pace myself. i like it so much more than twilight.
3- zane started reading twilight. i never thought he would allow himself to get sucked in. i'm so amused by this.
4- we fell asleep reading on the couch together after work. probably slept for a couple hours. woke up. and went to bed. it was delicious. haven't had this much sleep in a long time.
5- i had to get some things like paper towels & window cleaner & dish soap for my boss at the store... so i took the liberty to buy all environmentally conscious items. he won't be thrilled. but i'm going to be secretly satisfied.
6- i've resisted buying anything for myself aside from essentials. just food & gas. not even chocolate! it's only been three days -but still.
7- my car has been the gift that keeps on giving. i pushed some buttons and discovered i have seat warmers & xm radio! we are thoroughly enjoying the stand-up comedy channels. tho i really wish the language was less colorful.
8- there is a slight possibility the family i nanny for will be moving to a house close enough for me to walk to for the summer. that would be amazing!
9- i discovered the yumminess of oli & vinegar on deli sandwhiches!!
10- i have leads for two different part-time jobs in my very near future -i'm so grateful for any opportunites to save more money these days=)
11- i have a sunburn, but just on one of my arms- it's from sitting in my car reading. so i have one red arm & one white arm. it looks pretty silly.
12- oh yes, & Ash helped talk me thru the killing & disposal of a giant cockroach in my house when i was all alone. we conquered fear, i wasn't very brave. but the point is, we did it.
13- when i was taking Evan & her friend Amber to school the other day, i heard Evan tell her that she needed to be 'very careful not to put her dirty feet on my seat because this was a new car & zane had just cleaned it & he would not be happy with you.' she totally had my back.=)