when will i learn??

*sigh* i think i'm finally getting something. it started with a visit from a friend sunday afternoon. she was talking about the Friends in Mississipi - there are only about 150 of them in the whole state. & she was saying there was something really special about them- that nobody has money- some were even just struggling to get by - but they are choosing to live this way. & this was the clencher for me- she said they choose to work less, to focus on family and inevitably... settle for living with less. she said some people might consider them lazy, but their main priority is to just spend as much time with their family. so then last night after work, i begged zane to come home early with me, i just was really needing to be with my husband. so he clocked off a couple hours early & we went home. and slept, legs entwined for a good 3-hours on the couch. it was heavenly. we woke up to go to bible study & everyone told us how stressed we looked. (by everyone i mean all 3 other people - ha) & i realized i was stressed. i hadn't even really been aware of this fact. why tho? so i thought about my week- it'd been a long three-days because Evan has been home sick all week with a vicious cough. but it wasn't just that. i thought i was excited to have the opportunity to make some extra money with a random babysitting job i was offered monday/wednesday night. but i realized it was making my anxiety go thru the roof after a phone call from the mom, who wasn't understanding that i couldn't come earlier than 8pm because i had bible study. & how freaked out it made her that i would even ask if my husband could come with me & getting lost in ormond-by-the-sea trying to find their house on some poorly labeled private road & spending time with three kids who are use to having nannies come in & out of their lives so they have very little respect for a new babysitter who watches them on their week-long vacation from minnesota. me freaking out as they test my boundaries- jumping over neighbor's fences & running down the block completely igorning my pleas to stop running toward the busy road & having to chase them down & how much relief i feel when she cancels because our schedules are clashing. i've gotten so immune to feeling anxious, i hadn't even stopped long enough to listen to what my body was screaming at me. so why do i feel like i have to put myself in all these stressful situations when i already have enough money to pay for my rent & put food in my tummy. my theory all along has been "work hard, play hard" but it's obviously not working out for me. why am i just getting this?? we live in a society that aspires to have the best of everything no matter what the cost is. have i gotten sucked in so much that i can't say no when i need to? so i woke up feeling this need to quit my weekend job at the restaurant. i would have so much more peace & simplicity in my life if i did, but i'm absolutely dreading the conversation this is going to bring about with my boss. he's not going to understand. he's going to look at me like i'm crazy like he always does & tell me stories about how he worked three jobs while he raised two little boys when he was my age. & that i'm lazy. & he'll also tell me how awful it is that i would have 'free' time on my hands -time that is 'unaccounted' for in his words- & of course i would commit some terrible sin against my husband if i'm not busy at all times. but i am stronger than this right?! i can do this! i can handle his false accusastions & i can handle disappointing him & say no to the good money & say hello to more peace in my life. maybe i'm not being clear or making sense. i'm leaving out some of the details & personal reasons & generalizing some parts, like the babysitting. i love the kids i watch now. deeply. i just have reached my limit when it comes to strangers anymore. for now anyway. & i'm tired of the negative energy in the waitressing world. the smoking, the rude customers, the lack of brotherly love between waitresses. i just want out. i'm rambling & embarrassing myself i'm sure...