it's official. please join me here:
http://behindthesecastlewalls.wordpress.com/
5.27.2011
5.11.2011
Yoga is for peaceful people
I said it half-jokingly but there was this transperancy to my words as soon as they slipped past my lips. I might as well have said, "i'm not allowing myself to partake in things that would make me feel good because i'm not a good person."
I'd spent most of the last hour spilling the contents of my head, and sharing the events of the past couple months with my therapist.
I love how my words become more then just words with Julian, she reads me like a book and reveals what can only be read between the lines.
Between an unexpected apology in my inbox, one that found me in the fetal position on my bathroom floor crying bittersweet tears, and then a mailbox full of all my old graduation cards reminiscent of such an unsure time, the third week of April really kicked me off my chair & forced me to think about days goneby. Feelings that are never far from the surface to begin with, came back with a vengeance.
So there it is in a nutshell, the big revelation, insert seventeen-year old girl & seven-years of no growth in the department of my emotions, and you have my tragic truth.
It threw me for a loop, all these isolated events coming together. Why did this person choose to email me now, seven-years later? Why did Mom clean out their garage and find these cards now? And why did I find a blog post on a blog I haven't read in months that would resonate so deeply with me, after my own similar therapy session.
Simply because there are no accidents.
A philosophy i'm still trying to wrap my head around, not because it's so ground-breaking, but because it's hard to rest in the peace that everything happens for a reason, and the timing of events is to serve a purpose, a lesson, a window of opportunity to grow.
My pain has been self-inflicted. It serves as both punishment and protection. The thought process being: "i'll treat myself worse than you can, so you can't hurt me. I'll provoke myself so that when you try to it won't come as a surprise." But in so doing, i've grounded myself from flying away from this low place. I have been keeping myself a prisoner because that is what I deserve.
It's uncomfortable to know this about myself, to have Julian make me understand that I am more comfortable with treating myself as a failure than as someone who possess the power to evolve and grow into the person i've told myself i'll never be.
Perspective is my jailbreak, but isn't it always?
This is me breaking free. This is the inspiration behind a new blog(coming soon), a new chapter, one that isn't dictated by negative self-talk. This is my new vow to myself, to believe in the person I am at my core, but have hidden out of fear, the fear to change. This is me on a path that travels above the opinions of others, that forces me to listen to the person I am when i'm quiet, to accept myself, and as a result love the people in my life with a heart that isn't heavy, one that is free.
I'd spent most of the last hour spilling the contents of my head, and sharing the events of the past couple months with my therapist.
I love how my words become more then just words with Julian, she reads me like a book and reveals what can only be read between the lines.
Between an unexpected apology in my inbox, one that found me in the fetal position on my bathroom floor crying bittersweet tears, and then a mailbox full of all my old graduation cards reminiscent of such an unsure time, the third week of April really kicked me off my chair & forced me to think about days goneby. Feelings that are never far from the surface to begin with, came back with a vengeance.
"Emotionally I have not progressed beyond that (blank)-year-old girl. I have physically carried that failure for (blank) years. It has affected every relationship I have ever had... And tragically it has robbed me of the happiness I should have been relishing."A quote from one of my favorite writers, Heather Armstrong, also coincidently published the last week of April about her own recent therapy session.
So there it is in a nutshell, the big revelation, insert seventeen-year old girl & seven-years of no growth in the department of my emotions, and you have my tragic truth.
It threw me for a loop, all these isolated events coming together. Why did this person choose to email me now, seven-years later? Why did Mom clean out their garage and find these cards now? And why did I find a blog post on a blog I haven't read in months that would resonate so deeply with me, after my own similar therapy session.
Simply because there are no accidents.
A philosophy i'm still trying to wrap my head around, not because it's so ground-breaking, but because it's hard to rest in the peace that everything happens for a reason, and the timing of events is to serve a purpose, a lesson, a window of opportunity to grow.
My pain has been self-inflicted. It serves as both punishment and protection. The thought process being: "i'll treat myself worse than you can, so you can't hurt me. I'll provoke myself so that when you try to it won't come as a surprise." But in so doing, i've grounded myself from flying away from this low place. I have been keeping myself a prisoner because that is what I deserve.
It's uncomfortable to know this about myself, to have Julian make me understand that I am more comfortable with treating myself as a failure than as someone who possess the power to evolve and grow into the person i've told myself i'll never be.
Perspective is my jailbreak, but isn't it always?
This is me breaking free. This is the inspiration behind a new blog(coming soon), a new chapter, one that isn't dictated by negative self-talk. This is my new vow to myself, to believe in the person I am at my core, but have hidden out of fear, the fear to change. This is me on a path that travels above the opinions of others, that forces me to listen to the person I am when i'm quiet, to accept myself, and as a result love the people in my life with a heart that isn't heavy, one that is free.
5.02.2011
Night Shift
It's quiet.
Im enjoying seeing the momentary confusion & then smiles when they see my face walk in after pushing their call buttons. They know im never here at this time.
Lots of giggling born out of sheer exhaustion. I love tired giggles.
Calls for help because they are trying to have a bowel movement but they cant get it out. Wonder how they suppose i can assist with that?? I wish them luck. They appreciate it. Priceless.
I timed my "lunch" break perfectly with the krispy kreme delivery man at Gate, the gas station at 3 o'clock in the morning. I get a donut from yesterday for free. Niccce. A happy surprise.
I get the comment, "i cant believe your husband let you work this shift" several times. In a weird way it makes me thankful my husband doesnt put boundaries on me like that.
Oh & Osama is dead.
What a night.
Im enjoying seeing the momentary confusion & then smiles when they see my face walk in after pushing their call buttons. They know im never here at this time.
Lots of giggling born out of sheer exhaustion. I love tired giggles.
Calls for help because they are trying to have a bowel movement but they cant get it out. Wonder how they suppose i can assist with that?? I wish them luck. They appreciate it. Priceless.
I timed my "lunch" break perfectly with the krispy kreme delivery man at Gate, the gas station at 3 o'clock in the morning. I get a donut from yesterday for free. Niccce. A happy surprise.
I get the comment, "i cant believe your husband let you work this shift" several times. In a weird way it makes me thankful my husband doesnt put boundaries on me like that.
Oh & Osama is dead.
What a night.
My Saturday
I was up before the sun. It's been awhile since i could say that. Too long.
It was unseasonably cool- North Face jacket weather to be exact. By late morning i was sweating in my tank top & it was too late to notice i was getting baked. There is something happy tho, about the first good burn of the season.
I fixed a pot of coffee for the first time since moving in. The coffee pot was still shoved in a top kitchen shelf, reminding me that im really not much of a home coffee drinker. It added a nice homey smell to a space that is still gaining "homey" status.
Our across-the-street neighbor, Natalee came over for support & pumpkin muffins. Her husband, Bud came over more times then necessary to make sure i didnt need help with any heavy lifting & to make sure hagglers werent taking advantage of me. They have the sweet neighbors gig down to a tee.
Our other neighbors, George & Gladys, or who z&i call "the canadians" came over for a formal introduction. They told me we live in Buella's house. It was sweet to have a name for the woman who loved this house before us, actually from it's beginning all the way thru her old age.
Later, i met one of the biggest spiders that i think i've ever seen, easily the size of my palm. I killed it with a hardbound michael connelly novel. Then i watched the ants come devour the free buffet.
I talked to my best friend about epic reunion plans for late this summer.
All while happily watching our junk walk away in the hands of strangers.
What didnt sell, i drove to Goodwill, the cherry on my hot fudge sundae... Felt so cleansing.
When Z came home from work we gave the house its first good bath. Like as in the hands & knees grout scrubbing variety. And we hung our first picture which seemed like the perfect way to celebrate our one-month anniversary of being homeowners. I must admit, this whole slow move in process was working all my nerves in the beginning but i have grown to love it. It has been a beautiful slow dance, the house & us, taking our time getting to know one another.
I baked a turkey casserole box dinner & corn muffins & threw together a ceasar salad mix a week past its sell-by date & we ate outside in our rocking chairs.
All in all, a very peaceful day. The kind that remind me that life at its core, tho sometimes rough around the edges, is indeed good.
It was unseasonably cool- North Face jacket weather to be exact. By late morning i was sweating in my tank top & it was too late to notice i was getting baked. There is something happy tho, about the first good burn of the season.
I fixed a pot of coffee for the first time since moving in. The coffee pot was still shoved in a top kitchen shelf, reminding me that im really not much of a home coffee drinker. It added a nice homey smell to a space that is still gaining "homey" status.
Our across-the-street neighbor, Natalee came over for support & pumpkin muffins. Her husband, Bud came over more times then necessary to make sure i didnt need help with any heavy lifting & to make sure hagglers werent taking advantage of me. They have the sweet neighbors gig down to a tee.
Our other neighbors, George & Gladys, or who z&i call "the canadians" came over for a formal introduction. They told me we live in Buella's house. It was sweet to have a name for the woman who loved this house before us, actually from it's beginning all the way thru her old age.
Later, i met one of the biggest spiders that i think i've ever seen, easily the size of my palm. I killed it with a hardbound michael connelly novel. Then i watched the ants come devour the free buffet.
I talked to my best friend about epic reunion plans for late this summer.
All while happily watching our junk walk away in the hands of strangers.
What didnt sell, i drove to Goodwill, the cherry on my hot fudge sundae... Felt so cleansing.
When Z came home from work we gave the house its first good bath. Like as in the hands & knees grout scrubbing variety. And we hung our first picture which seemed like the perfect way to celebrate our one-month anniversary of being homeowners. I must admit, this whole slow move in process was working all my nerves in the beginning but i have grown to love it. It has been a beautiful slow dance, the house & us, taking our time getting to know one another.
I baked a turkey casserole box dinner & corn muffins & threw together a ceasar salad mix a week past its sell-by date & we ate outside in our rocking chairs.
All in all, a very peaceful day. The kind that remind me that life at its core, tho sometimes rough around the edges, is indeed good.
Update
I tried to upload some pics to show life as of lately for us at the library last week, but the "server rejected" message put a stop to that.
I settled with facebook for now. I'm still struggling with my relationship with facebook. It's mostly convenient & i love some of the people i get to be in communication with because of it. The rest is still sketchy & i'm figuring it out as i go.
SO, i think my blogging is going to have to be put on hold until we join this century & purchase a computer.
Maybe a thought or two will be posted between then & now.
I settled with facebook for now. I'm still struggling with my relationship with facebook. It's mostly convenient & i love some of the people i get to be in communication with because of it. The rest is still sketchy & i'm figuring it out as i go.
SO, i think my blogging is going to have to be put on hold until we join this century & purchase a computer.
Maybe a thought or two will be posted between then & now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)