Yoga is for peaceful people

I said it half-jokingly but there was this transperancy to my words as soon as they slipped past my lips. I might as well have said, "i'm not allowing myself to partake in things that would make me feel good because i'm not a good person."

I'd spent most of the last hour spilling the contents of my head, and sharing the events of the past couple months with my therapist.

I love how my words become more then just words with Julian, she reads me like a book and reveals what can only be read between the lines.

Between an unexpected apology in my inbox, one that found me in the fetal position on my bathroom floor crying bittersweet tears, and then a mailbox full of all my old graduation cards reminiscent of such an unsure time, the third week of April really kicked me off my chair & forced me to think about days goneby. Feelings that are never far from the surface to begin with, came back with a vengeance.

"Emotionally I have not progressed beyond that (blank)-year-old girl. I have physically carried that failure for (blank) years. It has affected every relationship I have ever had... And tragically it has robbed me of the happiness I should have been relishing."

A quote from one of my favorite writers, Heather Armstrong, also coincidently published the last week of April about her own recent therapy session.

So there it is in a nutshell, the big revelation, insert seventeen-year old girl & seven-years of no growth in the department of my emotions, and you have my tragic truth.

It threw me for a loop, all these isolated events coming together. Why did this person choose to email me now, seven-years later? Why did Mom clean out their garage and find these cards now? And why did I find a blog post on a blog I haven't read in months that would resonate so deeply with me, after my own similar therapy session.

Simply because there are no accidents.

A philosophy i'm still trying to wrap my head around, not because it's so ground-breaking, but because it's hard to rest in the peace that everything happens for a reason, and the timing of events is to serve a purpose, a lesson, a window of opportunity to grow.

My pain has been self-inflicted. It serves as both punishment and protection. The thought process being: "i'll treat myself worse than you can, so you can't hurt me. I'll provoke myself so that when you try to it won't come as a surprise." But in so doing, i've grounded myself from flying away from this low place. I have been keeping myself a prisoner because that is what I deserve.

It's uncomfortable to know this about myself, to have Julian make me understand that I am more comfortable with treating myself as a failure than as someone who possess the power to evolve and grow into the person i've told myself i'll never be.

Perspective is my jailbreak, but isn't it always?

This is me breaking free. This is the inspiration behind a new blog(coming soon), a new chapter, one that isn't dictated by negative self-talk. This is my new vow to myself, to believe in the person I am at my core, but have hidden out of fear, the fear to change. This is me on a path that travels above the opinions of others, that forces me to listen to the person I am when i'm quiet, to accept myself, and as a result love the people in my life with a heart that isn't heavy, one that is free.