is it as disappointing to you as it is to me, to wake up somedays & be rudely reminded of just how human you still are? something as simple as an early morning call from work & BAM! tempers flare. it feels frustrating to be controlled by my own weaknesses. not that i go to bed so much thinking that i will wake up immune to the unpredictibility of life- just that it feels like a step backward instead of a step of growth & first thing in the morning, no less. to discover my temper fully in tact was not the fresh start i had in mind.
i asked zane to join me for a run as he was about to step in the shower. he knew i was steamed- so he doesn't even protest.
rolled out the door at 6:09a.m. bedhead hair, morning breath & all- i see the neighbor's clock as we pass their window on the way down. the sun hadn't risen yet. i threw myself into the run, feeling like i don't have time to pace myself- just feeling this need to shake the negative energy flowing thru my veins pronto. the intended goal is to run long enough to feel like life isn't running me instead of vice versa.
we ran in silence into silence except for the buzz of the bugs that are a constant chorus in the background of this place we call home. i push, wanting my body to push back. faster- harder- until my lungs are screaming at me. for once i'm keeping pace with zane- down to 17th- up to A1A along the ocean. spying splashes of pink peek from behind clouds hanging above the water- hearing the waves crash- they sound loud against the silence of the morning. i love that this sound overpowers any other sound unlike during mid-day.
still pushing & wearing down, zane's leading now & i have to drag myself up our two-flights of stairs embracing the exhaustion that overtakes the frustration. taking my water to the patio to watch the world fill up with light or at least as far as my eyes can see. focus on my own breath. feeling it turn from heated to cool, heavy to normal. feeling the calm from it's repetition & pattern. thinking of each breath as an invitation to wellness & balance. sweet words to ponder from my latest issue of body & soul. a kiss goodbye from the man i love. he promises to see me in an hour. i stay sitting, soaking up the quietness until the breeze begins to feel cool on my skin again. i come into the house to discover a voicemail from zane. he knew that i'd find it when i came in. just called to say that he loved me "that's all" -smiling because that's my everything.
Yes. It IS disappointing to wake up with that humanness feeling that makes your nerves a little like live wires and every thing that comes within a 2 foot radius raises up frustration, and feeling out of control or something. I know the feeling of need to just run. Especially on the day that you wrote this. Love how you are somehow able to capture all of this/feelings/thoughts-- in a few words and wrap it up like a present at the end :). Always enjoy reading your writings--gives me a little taste of your thoughts, so fresh..thank you for that. love.
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