when will the answers outnumber the questions?

i am not drowning. i am swimming, or treading water at the very least. the point being that my head is still above water. i am not sinking- i am breathing. this isn't the olympics- it's just a test of endurance, and as long as i'm breathing, i am not losing. i choose to think about what i do know, not what i don't. i choose to inhale calm. exhale fear. feel it leave. push it out if i have to. it's ok to feel tired, i tell myself this. "perplexed, yet not in despair." these words come to me often. praying for an answer, even just a direction. desperate for direction. "wait" is the answer we get. so i must remind myself to live. to be present. why do i always feel like i have to see the future so that i can enjoy today? why do i taste just enough fear to feel a hint of panic simmer in the pit of my tummy? even tho i've been given more then i deserve time & time again, i toy with the idea that i'll be abandoned this time. i try to convince myself that i've used up all my life-lines finally. God deserves better then that from me, I know this. Still I suffocate myself with questions that i don't have answers to. school..or work? & if school is the answer, what do i study? early childhood development, dental assistant, medical transcription, aesthetcian??? do i go part-time or full-time? do we stay or do we go? do we move to las vegas by december to be by mom & dad & start a family like we've been talking about doing for these past two-months... should we have babies in 6-months or 6-years? or do we hold onto work opportunities here in florida? is it right to leave our precious meeting here yet? what about our grandparents? maybe we should move home to be near them while we can? how much will we regret not being close to them during these years when we look back someday? so here we sit. running in place. feeling like we have a finger in a 100-different things until we feel pulled more in one direction then another. meetings with our bosses- attending scholarship classes- putting out resumes- it's this frustrating vicious cycle. what made perfect sense yesterday doesn't make sense at all today. just not feeling a strong pull in any specific direction soo... feeling beat. confused. helpless. powerless. curious. scared. excited. & more desperate with each passing day. i know we'll just wake up one day & it will all just click. i just don't get to choose that day. i also know that when the waiting is over it will all be worth every second- to know that wherever we are is exactly where we are supposed to be.