is in effect! this whole no-job/no-schedule thing is getting out of hand. i didn't wake up until 1:30pm, friday afternoon (o.m.g. - i haven't done that since i was 2 - ask my mother! she thought i was dead.) & then to make things worse, i realized i didn't even have any motivation to get out of bed even after the startling realization of how late it was. zane kept coming home & he'd find me in the same clothes that he'd seen me in when he left that morning. me bawling because nothing sounds appealing to me. nothing. suggestions to take a walk, or go shopping or eat somewhere, or to play a game just seem absurd & like they would take just as much effort as it would to complete a marathon.
i have certain tendencies when i'm not busy. i know this about myself. why did i think this would be an exception? these tendencies are g.e.n.e.t.i.c. - & a long stetch of "good days" doesn't make you immune from future stretches of "bad days." panic sets in as i reflect back on the last stretch of "bad days" in december of last year. when you finally escape the feeling of walking around in a fog, it feels like you have been given a new leash on life, and that somehow you have finally found "the key" to good days and bad days will never have power over you again. and then they find a way to creep in, and suddenly you realize that you're in the middle of a battlefield in your mind. a place you vowed to never be in ever again.
so i desperately needed this week to be different or i was going to drive myself crazy i mean this quite literally. & it was an honest effort. i was out of bed by 9 - three loads of laundry completed - an overdue trip to the post office to drop off mail - and an hour & a half yoga session all before 2pm. i haven't done yoga in a month so it's going to take some time to get back into it, but i already love the thoughts that are re-entering my conscious mind. & sometimes it was just the simple reminder to "not think" for a little while that helped make me feel a little calmer and a little less anxious today. the struggle to be in the moment; not the moment that is in front of me, or the one that is behind me, but the one i'm in right now. i need these reminders. desperately.
i failed in the food department. sugar-free red bull was breakfast. and lunch. this zero motivation thing kicks my appetite to the curb. NOTHING sounds good. & tho you would think this would be something to celebrate, the pounding headaches that accompany the no-eating thing just don't work for me. i struggled thru a bowl of Oh's, like my favorite cereal ever, and it felt like torture. (think: stomach flopping & my taste buds declaring war on me so nothing tastes wondeful) food + me just aren't friends right now.
the afternoon was filled with interesting conversation with mama cindy & aunt zoe in my living room. i do much better with people around me. & zoe got a new straightner so i made my hair pretty. pretty hair = temporary superficial happiness.
zane came home & we visited gladys & i had to stop & think wow: talk about someone who has mastered the whole alone/no job/no-schedule/quiet house-staring at the same 4-walls (for YEARS!)/boredom thing. being 91-years-old & out-living most of your circle of family & friends, being house-bound & having a deep desire to not spend her last days in a nursing home kind of solidifies that kind of reality. & she is still thankful. and sane. so what's my problem? cheese & rice. anyway point being. the program is underway & i'm just putting one foot in front of the other. & i'm going to work this out until a job opens up for me & i'll bow down to it until i start to miss my "boring torturous quiet" days again.
a source of gratitude. the topic of a running conversation i often have with myself in my head -especially when i'm driving alone in the car. especially on those gorgeous days when i'm driving at the highest point of a bridge & the deep blue sky is vividly contrasted by the green forest below it & it just feels like the earth is bursting with the richest colors. & i thank God for giving us color on a very regular basis -for not just giving us a black & white earth but rather beautiful beautiful colors that inspire me.
we went downtown flagler on monday night & played locals. which in this scenario means that we got some fish tacos & ate them outside on sticky salty wooden benches decorated with cholula sauce bottles. & then went across the street to the new ice-cream shoppe in towne that i heard about from my yoga class & zane ordered a mango italian ice & i got a ($0.35!) homemade cupcake. & we took them down to the beach to devour. & then i waded knee-deep in the water which was shockingly warm- as the color of the ocean has been that dark blue that makes it look cold & uninviting ever since we got back. & then we lollygagged around downtown & ran into... maida. which was such a coincidence. i had just seen "the Bill's" (father/son who have a sunday ritual of coming into the restaurant & eating brunch)the day before & since i never work sundays anymore they asked if i had seen maida lately, which i hadn't seen her since last november at our class up at the community college. anyway she was riding her bike across the street & i said... "maida? is that you?" & she braked hard. & we hugged really tightly. & it felt so good. we chatted for a few minutes cathing up on the past year & all our life changes, etc. she has this inner fire that makes her just glow & she lifts everyone around her up a few notches & i just adore her.
