operation: terminate zombie

is in effect! this whole no-job/no-schedule thing is getting out of hand. i didn't wake up until 1:30pm, friday afternoon (o.m.g. - i haven't done that since i was 2 - ask my mother! she thought i was dead.) & then to make things worse, i realized i didn't even have any motivation to get out of bed even after the startling realization of how late it was.  zane kept coming home & he'd find me in the same clothes that he'd seen me in when he left that morning.  me bawling because nothing sounds appealing to me. nothing. suggestions to take a walk, or go shopping or eat somewhere, or to play a game just seem absurd & like they would take just as much effort as it would to complete a marathon. i have certain tendencies when i'm not busy.  i know this about myself. why did i think this would be an exception? these tendencies are g.e.n.e.t.i.c. - & a long stetch of "good days" doesn't make you immune from future stretches of "bad days." panic sets in as i reflect back on the last stretch of "bad days" in december of last year.  when you finally escape the feeling of walking around in a fog, it feels like you have been given a new leash on life, and that somehow you have finally found "the key" to good days and bad days will never have power over you again.  and then they find a way to creep in, and suddenly you realize that you're in the middle of a battlefield in your mind.  a place you vowed to never be in ever again.
so i desperately needed this week to be different or i was going to drive myself crazy i mean this quite literally.  & it was an honest effort. i was out of bed by 9 - three loads of laundry completed - an overdue trip to the post office to drop off mail - and an hour & a half yoga session all before 2pm.  i haven't done yoga in a month so it's going to take some time to get back into it, but i already love the thoughts that are re-entering my conscious mind.  & sometimes it was just the simple reminder to "not think" for a little while that helped make me feel a little calmer and a little less anxious today.  the struggle to be in the moment; not the moment that is in front of me, or the one that is behind me, but the one i'm in right now.  i need these reminders. desperately. 
i failed in the food department.  sugar-free red bull was breakfast. and lunch.  this zero motivation thing kicks my appetite to the curb.  NOTHING sounds good. & tho you would think this would be something to celebrate, the pounding headaches that accompany the no-eating thing just don't work for me.  i struggled thru a bowl of Oh's, like my favorite cereal ever, and it felt like torture. (think: stomach flopping & my taste buds declaring war on me so nothing tastes wondeful)  food + me just aren't friends right now. 
the afternoon was filled with interesting conversation with mama cindy & aunt zoe in my living room.  i do much better with people around me.  & zoe got a new straightner so i made my hair pretty.  pretty hair = temporary superficial happiness.
zane came home & we visited gladys & i had to stop & think wow: talk about someone who has mastered the whole alone/no job/no-schedule/quiet house-staring at the same 4-walls (for YEARS!)/boredom thing.  being 91-years-old & out-living most of your circle of family & friends, being house-bound & having a deep desire to not spend her last days in a nursing home kind of solidifies that kind of reality. & she is still thankful. and sane.  so what's my problem?  cheese & rice. anyway point being. the program is underway & i'm just putting one foot in front of the other.  & i'm going to work this out until a job opens up for me & i'll bow down to it until i start to miss my "boring torturous quiet" days again.