my heart dropped on wednesday when i walked into the store to see Zane & saw an entire display of Halloween stuff already. it caught me off guard. when Zane followed my gaze he took my hand & walked me over to the display. i suppose he knows me well enough to know that it's better to just face up to it- the sooner, the better. i gotta say tho- it kinda feels like re-learning my ABC's every single year or something along those lines. it's like: "ok, this is a life-size witch: she cackles & stirs a bubbling brew with a broom that reacts to motion when someone walks by; some people like to put it by their front door & scare little children. and these are strobe string-lights that also has a motion-sensitive evil "mua-ha-ha" laugh that it repeats over & over. and this is hanging skeleton that flaps around in the wind. & you'll be seeing a lot of similar items in the next 60-odd days & they will remind you of your son." and of course i know what all these things are, but it kinda feels like talking myself thru it like i've never seen these things before somehow helps me prepare myself for the next two months of painful reminders of things i'm so good at pushing away the other 10-months of the year. that's not to say that i don't think about my son, of course i do, but it's easier when it's on my own terms instead of pumpkins & black cats flooding memories of labor & being pregnant & spending precious time with my baby. who by the way so isn't a baby anymore. he's FOUR! i mean he could technically start kindergarten next year; how is that even possible!?
disclaimer: i didn't write this post to solicite comments or even sympathy. i mean at all. Landon & i started this journey 5-years ago, that's plenty long enough to know that me talking about it makes most people uncomfortable & that's ok, i've already come to terms with that. but this is a prime example of the reason behind me having this blog in the first place. i love to share my life with those who are interested, but i don't have a blog for that reason alone. first & foremost i keep a blog for myself, to keep track of all the things going on in my life & this is very much apart of it.
I too was taken by surprise. I was sitting studying the other day at Starbucks actually and they came around with samples of the Fall special Pumpkin spice latte. I was like--What? NO! It's FALL!?. Of course I didn't say that. The barista would have thought I was nuts if I had a breakdown because she offered me a free sample. Sheesh. Instead I took a deep breath. Said-- No thank you (when what I wanted to say was NO take back your Fall Seasonals..I'm not READY!)its unexpected reminders that take us off guard, seem to take the wind out of us just a little and make us need to catch our breath. Somehow its each breath that makes us stronger, makes our hearts beat once again and helps us to keep going. Thanks for sharing a picture of the perspective you live through. It's almost unfathomable that he is 4 already..can it be..?wow. *Love love love*
ReplyDeletesad :( I was just looking through the scrapbook moms been making and thinking about how hard it would be :( I can't believe how old Landon is either, it's crazy!
ReplyDeleteO.K., Malia gave it away (but really, she didn't know) but I wasn't going to tell you I was working on it right now...like when you call and say "what are you doin'?" And I tried to be "mum" about it :-) But I have to say...to put it all in perspective....this has all been very real and even 'raw' seeing all the pictures and living and re-living all those memories...it's really left me with LOTS of time to think about things, those days, and bringing it all "home" again! Can't imagine what it must be like for you, I'm only the grammy!
ReplyDeletethe way you share your heart is beautiful. thinking about you...
ReplyDeletetam
Tam said it perfectly!!! I love that you are open about how and what you are feeling at any given moment of the day and that is why I come to your blog!! I feel like I get to know you a little better each day you share something on your blog, and it makes me happy that I am related to you, but also sad that I have missed out on "really" knowing you my whole life!!! :)
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