An open letter to my son

Dearest Landon,

It’s that time again already. From the second I see my first pumpkin of the season your face flashes into my mind, and I know that in no time at all you’ll be another year older. This is year number five, and I can hardly wrap my brain around that number.

Year number five means that you are attending pre-school now. Your Mommy told my Mommy that you are so shy that you have to whisper what you need to say to your teachers because it’s too scary for you to speak out loud right now. I think that is pretty much the sweetest thing I can imagine.

Zane asked me the other night what I wanted to get you for your birthday, and I told him I still didn’t know. Target, Wal-mart, and two toy stores in Seattle didn’t have quite the *right* thing, so I was still holding out. Some reliable sources told me that you like Lego’s so Zane looked on http://www.lego.com/ the other night, and found you this combine harvester under the “hard to find items.” It’s green so I think it’s perfect. A little earlier he’d found a red planter tractor, and we knew it just wouldn’t do.

I feel stronger this year. Don’t mistake that for me caring any less. I just feel strong enough to be happy that you are happy and healthy instead of continuing to mourn my loss of seeing your “every-six-monthness” in pictures + words instead of seeing your “everydayness.”

So many people around me have started having babies. I dreaded it before it happened, especially someone in my family, but it happened this year, and its okay actually. It’s not as bad as I thought it might feel. I feel genuinely happy. Tho I have to admit I was “secretly” relieved to find out it would be a girl. I told my Aunt that I didn’t know how I felt about the next great grandchild/great niece/nephew in the family being another boy. She set me straight and told me that Grandma tells people that,

“this will just be the first great grandchild who lives close enough that she can hold.”

 I felt instantly better to be reminded that the people that I love so dearly love you so dearly too.

Sometimes I wonder if this is the year that you will be told about me. I don’t let the thought linger for too long tho. I’m happy with the knowledge that when the time is right you will understand. You won’t remember this, but when you were three you said ‘Hi Anna’ on camera because your auntie Malia told you too. All the same it made my heart drop out of my chest to hear you say those two words.

I’m so thankful for all the people that connect us and love you in person in the ways that I can’t yet.

Until we meet again, know that you’re always in my heart...