Mother, Father please explain to me
How this world has come to be
Unequaled in her blessings,
oh, I see unbridled hatred so extreme,
please tell me...
-Mother, Father by the Dave Matthews Band
this post is going to risk sounding cliche but i'm going to try to write what i'm feeling anyway. i just watched slumdog millionaire. i've been impatiently waiting to watch it for months unwilling to go to the theaters due to new recent convictions, which is a whole other tangent. i have never before felt any conviction about going to the theater- to the point that i didn't even feel guilt when i went behind my parents back (aside from the disobeying part of course) way back in the day. & that is pretty big for me because i have a super guilty conscience. but just a few months ago it began to feel like an 'unsafe' place to be, maybe just not somewhere i'd want to be found. but this is just me. i believe that everyone's convictions are different -it's not 'one size fits all' so to speak -so i'm far from offended if you disagree. ANYWAY there has been so much hype surrounding this movie- i just had to see what it was all about. of course it's never as good as you think it should be when your expectations are so high, and how could they not be high with all the hype & the awards surrounding this movie, but it wasn't a total disappointment either. i'm left feeling so full. so blessed. & so ashamed. you see these millions of people living in the worst living conditions imaginable. acres upon acres of trash where people sleep & make their home- children picking thru rubbish for food -bathing in polluted water- no modern plumbing -no fans to break up the heat, let alone a/c - i can only imagine the smell... it's really incomprehendable that anybody lives in that kind of filth & chaos. i feel so guilty that i get to live such a wonderful life in contrast. & yet i am always wanting more, more, more. it's disgusting. it's not like the things i think about having are so extravagant, but it comes down to a need to learn to just say "no" to retail therapy, to instant gratification & learn to show gratitude instead for the many blessings i already have. what i have right now is more than some people in mumbai will probably ever have in their entire life. i can't say i feel 'good' about being so aware of my own excess -but at least i'm awake to it. it makes me feel so selfish & ashamed that God would ever have looked down on my life & seen anything but pure satisfaction. and i'm not going to sit here & tell you i have intentions of going out & solving world hunger or work for world peace, blah blah blah, i just want to work on me. "be the change i want to see in the world" -words of wisdom from good old Gandhi. i want to take them to heart.
3.31.2009
3.30.2009
the car
this is not as exciting for you as it is for me. and i realize that having two cars is a luxury. but when you have a 30-minute commute and opposite schedules & one car... well it gets interesting. so two cars it is. & it was probably one of the more stressful events that i ever had been apart of. even with jerome the salesman. if i have to invest 8-hours of my time at a dealership, i'm glad it was with jerome. he definitely improved the experience with his stories & humor. anyway long story short. we almost signed for a brand new car. got the above fortune at dinner after the first night. crunched numbers. slept on it. decided we didn't feel comfortable with the numbers. i sent zane back for round 2 while i recovered. he brought home the same car- except it's 4-years year older. didn't love it. didn't hate it. liked the price tag better. told zane i trusted his judgement. sold. and now... i LOVE it! the car has grown on me so much. & i'm so grateful! & i'm so proud of my husband for his good credit & ability to 'wheel & deal.' & i never never want to do this again. at least not for a long long time. 3.26.2009
case closed.
almost two-months later exactly we have solved the case of car issues in our lives. for the moment anyway. i don't trust cars=) it's felt like such a rite-0f-passage to buy our first car & i'm super proud of my husband for making it happen. i was just the frazzled bystander crossing my fingers getting dizzy with all the back & forth sales talk. yucky. i'll probably elaborate more later.
live your life. i'll live mine.
i have had a lot of time on my hands lately with the Baby being in Louisiana this month, so i've had a lot of time to think & just get lost in my own thoughts. in the past, this has proven to be toxic for me, but i have been focusing on the power of the mind & the power behind positive thinking patterns. and i like how i feel.
i went thru a notebook for the class i took thru the local community college a few months ago (Women Acheiving New Directions) & i found a poem i really needed to read at the particular moment i found it.
The Woman in the Glass -Author unknown
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you Queen for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT woman has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or husband
Whose judgement upon you must pass;
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
She's the one to please, never mind all the rest,
For she's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the woman in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the one in the glass.
my thoughts started in this direction this past sunday & have kept evolving in these little tangents. i felt the need to write in my journal. i think about this many more times than the times i actually pick up a pen & write so any time i pick up any of my many journals i have started, i always have to go back and read whatever my last entry was. my immediate response is to shrink. and i'm reminded again that i mostly hate looking back. i'm always disappointed because it seems like the wrong response to have when you are striving to lead a good life. i've been told many times of the connection between writing in a journal & the beginning of loving my self. i tuned it out tho. until recently. Merit, the intuitive healer who i was introduced to a few weeks ago put it into perspective for me when she told me to keep a 'gratitude journal.' this breathed new life into keeping a journal for me. she told the initimate circle of women that i was apart of, that the beginning of positive thinking starts with focusing on the simple, beautiful things in our lives. essentially we have to untwist years of negative thinking patterns that is blocking the fullest potential of beauty in our lives.
then a few days later someone touched a "hot-spot" of mine. i think it's been gradually building within me, but it reared it's ugly face when this person told me about someone telling my little brother that he needed to get out of lake havasu to go to college, because it wasn't big enough. i still feel super fired up over it. i just really can't stand it when people get caught up in status. so then i started to thinking of all the things that we use to define a person: our level of education & where we received it, the cars we drive, the size of our house, the size of the diamond i wear (or don't wear) on my finger, the level of the totem pole we're on at our jobs, blah blah blah. all just traps for negative thoughts. i want to refuse to be defined by anything you can measure on this earth. i want to be ok with me, with my tiny place in this world. i want to be ok with you not liking me or my status. i want to aim to be my best self in ways that are healthy for me, not necessarily the ways you think are the best. the truth is i might have a nicer car, a nicer house, a more prominent job someday. but i might not. and that is more than ok, because the truth of the matter is simple. i have everything i could ever need right now in this very moment.
just a weird collection of thoughts i'm having, all connected in a way that may only make sense to me, but it feels good to have them out of my head. i feel a sense of release.
my last words today: live your life. i ain't got time for no haters. -live your life, T.I. ft. Rihanna
i went thru a notebook for the class i took thru the local community college a few months ago (Women Acheiving New Directions) & i found a poem i really needed to read at the particular moment i found it.
The Woman in the Glass -Author unknown
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you Queen for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT woman has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or husband
Whose judgement upon you must pass;
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
She's the one to please, never mind all the rest,
For she's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the woman in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the one in the glass.
my thoughts started in this direction this past sunday & have kept evolving in these little tangents. i felt the need to write in my journal. i think about this many more times than the times i actually pick up a pen & write so any time i pick up any of my many journals i have started, i always have to go back and read whatever my last entry was. my immediate response is to shrink. and i'm reminded again that i mostly hate looking back. i'm always disappointed because it seems like the wrong response to have when you are striving to lead a good life. i've been told many times of the connection between writing in a journal & the beginning of loving my self. i tuned it out tho. until recently. Merit, the intuitive healer who i was introduced to a few weeks ago put it into perspective for me when she told me to keep a 'gratitude journal.' this breathed new life into keeping a journal for me. she told the initimate circle of women that i was apart of, that the beginning of positive thinking starts with focusing on the simple, beautiful things in our lives. essentially we have to untwist years of negative thinking patterns that is blocking the fullest potential of beauty in our lives.
then a few days later someone touched a "hot-spot" of mine. i think it's been gradually building within me, but it reared it's ugly face when this person told me about someone telling my little brother that he needed to get out of lake havasu to go to college, because it wasn't big enough. i still feel super fired up over it. i just really can't stand it when people get caught up in status. so then i started to thinking of all the things that we use to define a person: our level of education & where we received it, the cars we drive, the size of our house, the size of the diamond i wear (or don't wear) on my finger, the level of the totem pole we're on at our jobs, blah blah blah. all just traps for negative thoughts. i want to refuse to be defined by anything you can measure on this earth. i want to be ok with me, with my tiny place in this world. i want to be ok with you not liking me or my status. i want to aim to be my best self in ways that are healthy for me, not necessarily the ways you think are the best. the truth is i might have a nicer car, a nicer house, a more prominent job someday. but i might not. and that is more than ok, because the truth of the matter is simple. i have everything i could ever need right now in this very moment.
just a weird collection of thoughts i'm having, all connected in a way that may only make sense to me, but it feels good to have them out of my head. i feel a sense of release.
my last words today: live your life. i ain't got time for no haters. -live your life, T.I. ft. Rihanna
3.23.2009
just sittin, waitin, watchin for the rain...
dark greenish grey ocean with a sky to match
sea salt on the windows from the wind...
finally the rain was released from the sky...
girls day
can you believe they spelled it right!? i had to snap a picture for you=)
brianna pretending to be pysched about an amateur comedy show invitation
i have a funny feeling these sunglasses are going to date this picture majorly someday...
mmm... chocolate shoppe- we stayed here for a couple hours.
walking backwards
written on this wall: "will the last person out of the tunnel please turn off the light"
friday found us in downtown st. augustine again- this time during the light of day. it had been many many months since zane & i have gone up there, and i can't say why. there is a certain undeniable energy i get from this place. it's definitely touristy- but it still manifests authentic pieces of charm & history intermingled that is bewitching to me. any place where ghost & pirate stories dominate the town is cool with me.st. patty's day
in our V.I.P. lounge- we had fun pretending anyway
everything green!
evan's sherbert salad
say: 'queso'
we were given 'green' carnations
i guess this is just naive of me- but i really had no idea that st. patty's day was such a night out on the town. krista was in town & narque, bri & ev were all on spring break so we decided to celebrate in st. augustine at the conch house. hard to turn down that kind of invitation. we have special memories celebrating our 2nd anniversary there. anyway we ventured into downtown later... funny to people watch as more of an outsider than a participant=) 3.17.2009
indulging in some reminiscence.
the first turkey day we ever hosted as mr. & mrs. -only made possible with Jane's help!
our first room!
first family room
i miss this kitchen at grampa & gramma's
this seems like a million years ago.
love that we have picture proof of our history
one of our az wedding pics
such a goofy picture of l&i - love that she came.
i love that i didn't even begin to know how much i would love being a wife yet.
so me- barefoot & wearing a sweater.
our first room!
first family room
i miss this kitchen at grampa & gramma's
this seems like a million years ago.
love that we have picture proof of our history
one of our az wedding pics
such a goofy picture of l&i - love that she came.
i love that i didn't even begin to know how much i would love being a wife yet.so me- barefoot & wearing a sweater.just cleaning out my email folders - these made me smile.
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