just a collection of thoughts

flying-
i love the times when i'm not purposefully thinking, i'm just being -and suddenly a thought materializes into my realization, and i feel so confident that this thing that has come to me is true whatever it may be... it's not something manipulated because i've been going over it all day in my head. what i mean is...in the past three-years i have developed severe anxiety over flying. to the point that i would be on edge days before we'd even leave. but on the way home from arizona i had my forehead pressed against the plane window and i was watching the ground get closer & closer; zane reached across me to drop the shade and took my hand in his. usually i would have a death-grip on his hand similar to one you would only joke about doing while in labor. but i felt calm this time, my heartbeat was still. i could feel fear just fading from me, like water draining after a bubble bath. it was devoid of falsehood. Natural- like i'd surrendered to something big, but without any effort. liberating.

4-wheeling-
more fear issues. ever since i crashed one four-years-ago, i've had no interest in getting back on one, especially on the trails my family drives on. but on our last day, everybody wanted to go have a picnic in the desert, and i decided to 'face my fears.' i was real edgy with zane when he was fitting me for a helmet, not at all comfortable with how loose it felt, even tho everyone was standing there telling me it was just fine. i could not relax once we got going, i was so tense- stiffer than a board, my arms wrapped around zanes waist squeezing as tight as i could. i learned (or maybe relearned?) a lesson about fear in this moment. i thought maybe since i was 'facing my fears' and riding again that the fear would just melt away, like some kind of reward for showing some courage. but it didn't happen. my heart stopped beating at least twice at the top of some of the steeper hills, imagining the horror of doing somersaults down if we lost traction. i was in a silent panic inside my head. but when i forced myself to look around i couldn't escape the beauty surrounding us. and tho i didn't ever feel fearless, i don't think i've ever seen the desert look as beautiful as i did this day. so worth every knot in my tummy.

The Foster Tribe-
There is nothing like a trip home to humble you. There is no escaping the bluntness of your own family calling you on every one of your idiosyncrosies, and they will either laugh with you or at you, so you might as well just have a good laugh. I laughed until my sides hurt, completely humored (& a bit alarmed!) at my own comfort level, and that of everyone else too. We could fill a book with all the one-liners & inside jokes our family shares. Love all my memories of our crack ups around the table while playing endless rounds of card games.

Natalie-
Derek brought home the girlfriend. All i can say is if Derek screws this up he'll be in the doghouse with our family. Everyone adores her, even tho she did tell me she thought i was just an old-married fart at first, lol.

Lazy-
I may be a 'grown woman' these days, but there is something about being under my parents roof that just makes me embarrasingly l...a...z...y. I was so guilty of letting my Mama take care of me all week.

Basically we had an amazing time- it was too short, but very sweet. Togetherness like this was rare & precious, and we definitely weren't ready to leave. Zane was so cute, we climbed into bed the first night, and he sighed real big and said "it's good to be home." There is something very comfy about my husband feeling at home in my parents house. And we never got that feeling at the end of a vacation that you sometimes get, where you just feel ready to be home... we would've been more then happy to catch the next flight back to Vegas... Can't wait til next time!