sunday afternoon: part I

a mother's day bouquet from my sweet sweet man

Gladys is 90-years-old. We meet in her home every wednesday night at 6:30 for bible study & we visit her every sunday after meeting. I'm ashamed to say I didn't appreciate her like i should have when we first moved to Florida - but i'm thankful for a renewed perspective of what is truly important. She is one tough cookie- hasn't had what you'd call an easy life- she battles with very painful rhuematoid arthiritis but you'll never hear her complain. She might tell you she's not feeling as much "oomph" as she once did, but that's about it & she swears by her olive oil extract that she takes every morning. She's never been further than Mississipi & Georgia in all her 90-years of life. She hasn't been able to get to meetings for years except for the one in her home on wednesday nights- & she can't hear anything any of us say- all 4 of us, but she says she feels the spirit. Just to carry a conversation with her you have to yell & even then she won't catch it all. Yet she'll tell you over & over that she doesn't understand why people feel sorry for her- she said people don't realize how good the Lord has been to her. Just feeling thankful for the chance to meet this encouraging woman & walk with her for awhile.

observations

1 – ‘going green’ – i’ve officially jumped on the reusable grocery bag bandwagon. At first I only bought one as a joke- one each for me, ash & lace from my local grocery store of choice, Publix (cos they think it has a funny name) & it would serve as good solid physical evidence of our memories from December 2007 when they came to visit. But til now it’s sat in a plastic storage bin on top of my closet. Then- we switched banks & I went into make a deposit one day & apparently they thought I needed at least ten of these things. I am amused thinking I’ll never use them. And I’m right for awhile. I leave them in the front seat of my car so I won’t forget them but I still always seem to. Then one day I finally do remember & I bring them all in with me. And now I’m sold. They’re soooo much roomier than those non-environmentally friendly plastic bags of my past – what would normally take like 14 plastic bags now fits perfectly into about 5 of my new ‘green’ bags (actually they really are green). AND I can take all my groceries up my dreaded two-flights of stairs in just one trip. It’s a win-win for me and my planet.

2 – I love the beginning (& mostly only the beginning) of Katy Perry’s, Waking Up in Vegas song because she uses a sound clip of slot machines… which makes me feel like I’m about to walk off the plane into McCarran International Airport & see my family waiting for me.

3 – why do individually wrapped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups taste so much better than the 2-in-1 packaged variety? Am I the only one that thinks this?

4 – Why can’t I stick to the list when I’m grocery shopping? Why when I mean only to spend like $40 do I come out $100+ later? This really needs to stop!

5 - after 4-years of togetherness zane has just learned my favorite kind of flowers. (wild flowers) it was an accident really - we were scrolling thru bouquets on a website for a local florist in havasu looking for something pretty for mom- & i pointed out my favorite one. he was surprised. it made me laugh. & speaking of flowers- everyone should get to experience a flower delivery just for them at least once in their life- it's amazing. i'm so glad i kept a secret from mom this year too! it was so hard - but i knew the surprise would make it so much sweeter!

6 - we like dark things. our 'dark' dirty clothes pile fills up significantly faster than any other load of laundry we do. at work tho- when i wash the kids' clothes - i wash the 'in-between' load more than any other - evie only owns maybe 3-pieces of dark pieces of clothing in her entire wardrobe. she wears mostly shades of pink & orange - her favorite colors. NOT orange & pink tho - she's quick to correct you if you say her favorite colors are orange & pink instead of pink & orange.

7 - oh who am i kidding, i'm totally disappointed that it was negative. i'll live in denial until i'm proven wrong - i mean why else would i feel the way i do?

8- my xm radio makes me giddy. soo many choices, so little time. we need to go on a road trip & xm ourselves out.

9- filthy isn't funny anymore. i'm tired of dirty humor. what use to make me laugh, now makes me feel very uncomfortable. a sign of growth i hope.

10- i have itchy bumps up & down my legs - more than just bug bites - and they're not going away. i think i'm going to have to quit ignoring them & go to the dr. annoying.

11- during the day when zane & i are at our respective jobs i'm totally fine. but when we are at home together & something comes up where one of us has to run to the store for whatever reason i have total separation anxiety. i get these unshakable premonitions that something terrible is going to happen to my husband while we're apart. i never say anything to zane cos he'd call me crazy. but i can't help it.

sunday afternoon: part II

a little pool created by the tide- looked so fun
a nice 76-degree water temp

easily the most over-dressed people at the beach this day

look mom- we have yucca's too

takin a sunday stroll down by the pier - picked up some bait for zanes first surf fishin experience- checked out a picture board featuring recent catches off the pier that reads, "if you're lucky enough to live near flagler beach, then you're lucky enough!" -& that pretty much sums it up.

surf fishin

beggin for some insider tips
hookin shrimp

you have no idea how long he's waited for this very moment

just another day in paradise

this is olivia - our favorite waitressa DIY salad

golden lion - just a few blocks from home - so close to home yet it still makes us feel like we must be on vacation instead of in our own neighborhood. somebody pinch me - this can't really be the life i get to live.

high tides

a little seafood shack on the beach - a fun discovery just a few miles south of us.

walkin on sunshine

how can life be anything but good when this is a normal way to spend an afternoon with some of my favorite people??

you + me + her

one of our favorite places.

i like the way this is heading...

friday & saturday...

a few precious moments reserved just for me. fingers wrapped around a luke warm cup of minty herbal tea in my favorite mug - the chunky ceramic one painted in bold shades of all the primary colors. extra salty air filling my nostrils to remind me of my beautiful surroundings - especially welcoming after losing this particular sense during a recent cold. time to just sit & think quietly alone with my thoughts before a chaotic day waiting for me. the minty tingle of my tea lingering on my lips. the suns reflection dancing on the surface of the ocean - so bright i have to squint to see. being reminded again that it's better to give than to receive, wondering why i let myself forget this. thankful for feelings of fresh determination to be stronger then last time- grateful for the clean slate we get each new day. smiling when i think about a recent sweet moment my dad had with nadia - liking the thought of him being a grandpa-in-training. enjoying the togetherness zane & i shared last night. being snap-happy - the result of prolonged time without my camera - fresh sliced avocado on grilled turkey burgers- a perfect combination - acoustic guitar + new tunes that remind me of my best friend - an intimate setting perfect for conversation with fellow flagler beach residents - some particularly strange ones that amuse me - like the 60-something couple -she with a cleopatra hair cut & make-up who are going sasquatch hunting in oregon this summer. feeling connected to the couple who sit at my table from alaska - sharing stories of our love for this side of the united states. a new coffee news to read. quizzing each other with trivial pursuit trivia - trying blended chai for the first time - my new summer drink indeed - a cool evening - perfect for snuggling with roxy on our hammock & staring at the moon. mmm.. a nice start to our weekend for sure.

i run to you

was just reminded again today that when i get hurt, how glad i am that my first instinct is to run into zane's arms for a hug that fills my heart with a feeling only he can give. i love the safety i feel - and the warm & fuzzy feelings that fill me up. & only he can give them to me.

lady antebellum - i run to you lyrics

I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late
I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you
This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you baby
And when it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you
We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin' right on through
And our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

happy friday

warm, freshly baked muffins waiting for me at work this morning - 84-degrees-feels like 87 according to weather.com at 1:45 this lovely afternoon. zane on his way to spend the rest of the day & evening with me. the feeling of acceptance for events out of my control. support from one of my favorite people - making my brother laugh - not procrastinating - kisses from aidan - feeling aware of needful changes & more willing than before - new tunes ('a mountain of sorts') + coffee house + grilled turkey burgers = date night tonight - my good book i hate to put down - another one waiting for me when i finish - home made (baked!) sweet potatoe fries - a fixed camera - an email from home - a smile from zane when i pull out a new archie comic - something he adores but won't spend money on on his own - (a small consolation prize for not getting to see tiger woods play golf today like previously planned) - the color i'm accumulating on my arms - a yummy new chicken wrap for lunch - getting to use anna's straightner - zane here, to help me put the towels into the washer, where ginormous spiders have made too many recent appearances - my new dwell magazine, sending me into dream world - "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -the overall thought that is guiding my day today - feeling life is indeed good to me.

nothing too little

this morning i woke up with a grateful feeling for being given a brand new day - a chance to push an invisible 'reset' button. my mind is swimming with little thankful thoughts. i got to sleep in a little later that usual - i found the strength to wake up a few precious minutes earlier so i could accomplish a little more than i usually do - i felt a little less rushed - a good morning phone call from my husband - feeling less stress in his voice then yesterday. when i opened the window in my shower i remembered to be mindful- to really see what my eyes were looking at & not just from memory. the calmness of the ocean - the differences of blues in the ocean & the canal - the way the sun touches the tree-tops. i got to pack a lunch for zane- so he wouldn't have to eat something frozen- feeling like a good wife- remembering to bring aidan the bananas & the o.j. that would go bad before we consumed them. dressing in a tank top & not bringing a sweater - it's officially spring in florida - having time to pick up dirty clothes off the floor - satisfied to be leaving the house a little less cluttered - leaving the house on time - knowing i wouldn't have to push the speed limit to get to work on time - no cars in front of me on A1A - just open road - a very rare occurence. zane turning off the radio last night so when i turned my car on it would just be quiet - no temptations. quiet thinking time allowing good thoughts to keep pouring in. thinking about the verse - pride goeth before the fall & meditating on this for awhile leading to more good edifying thoughts - thinking about good conversations from yesterday with someone i don't normally connect with effortlessly- feeling hopeful about the future of this relationship - empathizing with my best friend - knowing we're on the same page - we get each other without even trying - a text message received to confirm this - knowledge that zane is coming to see me soon...

"There is nothing, Sir, too little for so little a creature as man. It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery and as much happiness as possible." - Samuel Johnson

adoro la biblioteca

how do i love thee? let me count the ways... just thinking about my library -a place that makes me smile. a place that i can put on some big old skool headphones & just escape for a minute. my heart does a little leap everytime i see a book i've been wanting to read just waiting for me on the shelf. it's a sancturary on a rainy day during spring break - i find myself feeling the innocent rise of excitement inside my chest when i see all these kids book that i want to check out & read to evie, books that make me think of my childhood -amelia bedelia, junie b. jones & dr. suess & so many others... smiling to myself when i realize i'm totally trying to sell evie on a book that i want to read & she clearly has no interest in... spending a precious hour with aidan on my lap during story time for toddlers every wednesday morning- the only time i get to 'make' him sit on nana's lap. feeling my heart swell with pride when i see my little man behaving like such a big boy. laughing everytime he shouts "one more!" & holds up one finger after every song we sing & every book we read together. a place that i get to reserve some computer time just for me after work- catch up on emails- check my friends blogs & whatever else i want to do because we still don't have a computer at home... being able to order the whole twilight series - teaching me & zane patience as we wait for the next one to be available... being able to devour it & not spend a penny... coveting an intriguing read at the book store but not wanting to pay $22.50 & finding it for free at the library... i love these good feelings.

just livin

got both evie & aidan after aidan being gone for a whole month- feels great!! -ash- check out your cockroach that you helped me dispose of! (ew-sorry about the hair- shows how much i vacuum under my couch!) -the beautiful moon we saw the other night from our front door -& a little candlelight dinner zane & shared one night with little roxy- he cooked the BEST steak & mashed potatoes- such a good homecooked dinner=)

when will i learn??

*sigh* i think i'm finally getting something. it started with a visit from a friend sunday afternoon. she was talking about the Friends in Mississipi - there are only about 150 of them in the whole state. & she was saying there was something really special about them- that nobody has money- some were even just struggling to get by - but they are choosing to live this way. & this was the clencher for me- she said they choose to work less, to focus on family and inevitably... settle for living with less. she said some people might consider them lazy, but their main priority is to just spend as much time with their family. so then last night after work, i begged zane to come home early with me, i just was really needing to be with my husband. so he clocked off a couple hours early & we went home. and slept, legs entwined for a good 3-hours on the couch. it was heavenly. we woke up to go to bible study & everyone told us how stressed we looked. (by everyone i mean all 3 other people - ha) & i realized i was stressed. i hadn't even really been aware of this fact. why tho? so i thought about my week- it'd been a long three-days because Evan has been home sick all week with a vicious cough. but it wasn't just that. i thought i was excited to have the opportunity to make some extra money with a random babysitting job i was offered monday/wednesday night. but i realized it was making my anxiety go thru the roof after a phone call from the mom, who wasn't understanding that i couldn't come earlier than 8pm because i had bible study. & how freaked out it made her that i would even ask if my husband could come with me & getting lost in ormond-by-the-sea trying to find their house on some poorly labeled private road & spending time with three kids who are use to having nannies come in & out of their lives so they have very little respect for a new babysitter who watches them on their week-long vacation from minnesota. me freaking out as they test my boundaries- jumping over neighbor's fences & running down the block completely igorning my pleas to stop running toward the busy road & having to chase them down & how much relief i feel when she cancels because our schedules are clashing. i've gotten so immune to feeling anxious, i hadn't even stopped long enough to listen to what my body was screaming at me. so why do i feel like i have to put myself in all these stressful situations when i already have enough money to pay for my rent & put food in my tummy. my theory all along has been "work hard, play hard" but it's obviously not working out for me. why am i just getting this?? we live in a society that aspires to have the best of everything no matter what the cost is. have i gotten sucked in so much that i can't say no when i need to? so i woke up feeling this need to quit my weekend job at the restaurant. i would have so much more peace & simplicity in my life if i did, but i'm absolutely dreading the conversation this is going to bring about with my boss. he's not going to understand. he's going to look at me like i'm crazy like he always does & tell me stories about how he worked three jobs while he raised two little boys when he was my age. & that i'm lazy. & he'll also tell me how awful it is that i would have 'free' time on my hands -time that is 'unaccounted' for in his words- & of course i would commit some terrible sin against my husband if i'm not busy at all times. but i am stronger than this right?! i can do this! i can handle his false accusastions & i can handle disappointing him & say no to the good money & say hello to more peace in my life. maybe i'm not being clear or making sense. i'm leaving out some of the details & personal reasons & generalizing some parts, like the babysitting. i love the kids i watch now. deeply. i just have reached my limit when it comes to strangers anymore. for now anyway. & i'm tired of the negative energy in the waitressing world. the smoking, the rude customers, the lack of brotherly love between waitresses. i just want out. i'm rambling & embarrassing myself i'm sure...