our love

our love has suffered a serious beating. that much we know. we didn't know how bruised & battered we really were i don't think.  but i have never been more sure of who i love & who i want to push me around in a nursing home when i get old. 

Goodbye Michael & Shellie

Last night we went to a going away party for our friends Michael & Shellie.  Mike is a personal trainer at the gym we work at, Shellie is his wife. They have been "my people" here in Florida these past couple months & they are leaving me!  Heading back to Missouri aka "Misery" as they call it where they are from, but there is more opportunities for them there & i totally get that. 

We didn't know most of the people there.  I'd met a couple of them here & there.  All of them were a good 6-7 years older than Zane & i.  why are we always the babies? (actually as i'm writing & thinking, i know the answer to that.  we were the crazy ones that got married when we were teenagers & therefore it makes more sense to hang out with fellow married couples.  but usually those married couples waited like normal people did til later in life, ha)  & speaking of babies.... we were the only ones NOT in the baby club.  there was this moment of clarity as i was looking around at each mommy or daddy who had a little one in their arms realizing that zane & i are so just not there yet.  and i'm totally ok with that. 

Zane played darts with the boys.  It was good for him.  It was a good get-out-of-his-comfort-zone experience. & he kicked tail too. 

Hank Williams & Johnny Cash & Willie Nelson came streaming thru the speakers at different times.  I knew Zane was loving the company of some fellow "country boys."  We all sang along to "Mama's don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys...." so funny. 

I got called "fun size little bit." & i have this weird feeling that it's going to stick.  what do you say when people comment on your size... i mean really... its not like i put in this special request to only be 60 inches tall... and not a CENTIMETER more.  whatever. truth be told. i like being short.

Lots & lots of tears were shed.  Shellie told me that i was a liar & that i'd never come visit her & canoe with her in the ozarks.  I told her she was going to eat her words when i call her from the airport & tell her to come pick my sorry butt up.  We squeezed each other & felt the heaviness of goodbyes.

Then we danced to some pit bull & shook what our mama's gave us in the kitchen. everyone was impressed when zane started singing along to the spanish part of the lyrics. it was funny.

thursday night

we talked about driving to the beach & getting wings at rossi's & bundling up to take a walk on the beach.... zane was feeling wings & i wanted him to have his wings. & i thought some fresh air would do us good. i miss the beach.  even tho it's only a 20-minute drive- it feels as tho it might as well be an hour away.  it's another world away.  a world i miss.  buuuut we didn't end up doing that. our medication completely depletes us of energy & after working full days it's all we can do to do anything but fall right into bed. we feel like senior citizens.  not cool.

instead we tried to eat without upchucking it.  it's like morning sickness minus the baby growing in our tummies part.  i had nachos. he had pizza.  everything we have in our fridge is greasy.  we talked about needing non-greasy choices.  while we ate we sat with our little notebook & youtubed music.  zane has been into music lately. which is weird cos my baby isn't into music per say. in the car he'd rather listen to talk radio anyday.... but lately he is ALL about the music.  i ain't complaining tho.

we had this sweet moment where he let me crawl into his lap & he rocked me like the big baby i am while owl city played in the background...

it was nice. 

last night

i finally called my mom last night.  i'd been kinda scared to let her see my frame of mind "in person", plus it takes every ounce of energy i have to talk on the phone these days. 

thanks mom, i loved talking to you last night. i hope you know i miss you too.  if it wasn't so important that i help contribute income, i would be on the next plane headed your way for some serious extended mother-daughter-family bonding time. 

& right after that phone call... i got one from anna.  i haven't talked to them in weeks either. i got to talk to anna first, then aidan, then evie. we talked for 45-minutes. it melted my heart. anna & mike spent the weekend in colorado for mikes 30th.  anna had never seen mountains or skiied before. she said they were majestic & she gets our love affair with them now.  aidan turned three yesterday. he said "nena come my house." evie is growing up so much & she sounds so happy with all her friends, and her bestest friend ever, summer, and her community lake/pool/soccer field where she is "like the best fisher ever in her whole family." she caught catfish as big as her t.v.  and she can't wait for alice in wonderland. at first she didn't think it was a kids movie because the mad hatter was "so creepy" but then she figured out it was, and now she is so excited.   gracie the cat disappeared for two weeks- that was tramatic. she got a hamster because she gave her dad $25. i asked if she had seen g-force? (a disney flick about hamsters) she said: "no- shes over it- it looked too boring."

gosh i miss them too.

more funnies

thank you

thank you for all your positive feedback via comments, emails, text messages, phone calls, voice messages, etc. 

one of the things i'm working on right now is to not rely solely on getting my self worth from what other people say to me or about me, but with that being said... you are inspiring me to keep pushing forward, to keep trying, to keep processing & work this out. so thank you for that.

tuesday

tuesday day continued to feel better.  a definite break from the previous week & a half. 

then tuesday night was a relapse.  just like that. good feelings replaced with bad ones. hugging the toilet, vomiting up the anxiety.

we miss julian.  she is in new york til the first part of march.  we need her.

zane is going to the dr. tomorrow. he needs extra help too.  we're a mess. 

monday

monday was different.  i felt subtlely different. somehow lighter. 

i wondered: 
a). could my meds be kicking in?
b). was it all that sleep i got yesterday?
c). is it a fluke?
d). is my head just screwing with me?

i asked zane what he thought. he said maybe all of the above. he's probably right.

sunday

i spent the entire day in bed. literally.  except for the one time i got up to check the roast in the crock-pot per zane's request via cell phone. 

i felt like the universe took a dump on my head.  i felt sooooo lousy & alone.  but i needed a day of sleep.  the xanax trumps my zoloft & makes me a zombie & actually able to sleep all night & most of the day of i allow myself to, which i did. 

cindy & zane spent the day in jacksonville at our winter special meetings. 

they came home & i finally got out of bed & showered.  the overseer of florida was to be the guest in our home so i made myself look alive for dinner.  i think i said like seven words, & half of them were, "hi, i'm anna." 

we ate. they talked. then i went back to bed.

about the book

so i went immediately to the bookstore after our session & picked up a copy. i'm only 40-something pages in, but i'm purposely trying to read it slowly & soak in the message intended by the author. ignoring the parts about evolution & the earth being 300 milion bazillion years old. 

i take it everywhere with me so that if i ever have a few minutes of time by myself or i feel like my head can focus on the material in that particular moment, that i won't miss the opportunity. but it makes me feel weird- to carry around the book everywhere with me i mean. like i'm trying to project a certain image about myself onto other people when they see me + the book. (not that it would work. i'm just saying....i feel weird). maybe i just read too many celebrity gossip magazines with all the dozens of pictures of "convenient" photo ops. like say, madonna being photographed with her kabbalah books or something for example. obviously i think too much.

anyway i like the thoughts this book fills my head with when i read it. it's emphasis is on the human ego & how basically when we start to think more spiritually that the pressure of material things & labels begins to fade away. and when we begin to recognize the difference between the spiritual side of us & the voice inside our heads that is ego-based in not only ourselves, but in others also.... that our feathers would get ruffled a lot less. that is over simplifying the concept of the book, but you get the idea anyway. and it shouldn't seem like something new or brilliant to a girl who grew up going to meeting. but at this point in my life i kinda feel like i'm starting over. so simple repetitive concepts are o.k. with me.

02/16/2010

last tuesday i had my second counselling sesssion.  i got off work early so i parked at the canal down the street & sat in my car.  i spotted a tree that had a homemade sign that said "home of the holly hill gnomes" & underneath it had several little gnomes sitting on the ground.  the quirky factor amused me.

i people watched.  a middle-aged couple that had driven in separate cars met up & took a walk down the boat docks hand-in-hand. they looked so content with each others company. not because of any over the top public display of affection, it was just seen on their faces.  another odd couple hung out in their old pick-up & smoked together.  you never would have put these two together, but they were.  it looked like they had lived some tough lives perhaps & they had been there for each other.  that's what i imagined anyway. 

it was a chilly/need-your-jacket-type-day, but the sky was blue & the sun was shining.  i watched the movement of the water & the birds.  i wanted to talk to someone but i didn't have the energy to keep up a conversation so i struggled to be content with my own company.  it was not a fun 45-minutes.  

finally it was time for my session.  it reconfirmed that i really like her.  julian is this wonderful combination of vintage & new age which is so very me.  so it didn't come out of left field when she recommended that i read eckhart tolle's book called a new earth: awakening to your life's purpose.  i have thought about reading this book many times before. different people have talked to me about it & it had intrigued me when they talked about it with me, but i just never went ahead & got it.  but now, since i'm on this newfound journey to heal myself, i felt reinspired by her suggestion to read it.

another good laugh

hailey & i had breaks at the same time. we walked thru the back door and looked up to see one of those big, six-foot-something, ugly brown, folding-pot-luck style tables teetering on it's side. it had been propped up against the wall & someone hadn't leaned it far enough back so it was threatening to come crashing forward onto the cement floor.  we both reacted at the same time & sprinted across the room to catch it.  & we did.  it was one of those dramatic events that makes your heart lurch & sends adrenaline shooting thru your veins like you just saved the world from some awful fate.  we had a good laugh & then proceeded to sit down & eat rock hard starbursts & spicey nacho doritos that were past their "best if used by" date.  we were just minding our own business, talking trash (lovingly of course) about the vending machine people that have failed us, when we both looked up to see the table begin to wobble & jeopardize life as we know it. again. but this time we didn't budge.  & it definitely face-planted with a vengeance onto the cement floor.  and we just watched it fall.  all our previous labors had been in vain.  the ensuing clatter was unbelievably loud.  metal + cement + momentum - you do the math.  we're all connected with a walkie-talkie system & not one person asked if we were o.k. - i mean we could have been buried alive by floor to ceiling metal clothing racks for all they knew & not a single word.  we laughed until we couldn't breathe & our tummies ached.  i felt rusty & it felt awkward to laugh so hard, it had been too long since i last felt this feeling.  this unforced, spontaneous moment of bliss.

on humor

laughter is so important to me, even more so now. and laughs are harder to come by these days, so the ones that escape my lips are pretty precious.  i can count the ones that stick in my mind on my fingers this past week. 

• reading thru the OFFICIAL Walgreen's Personal Prescription Information pamphlet on Zoloft.  & then i got to the Possible Side Effects part.  anxiety, constipation, decreased sexual desire or ability, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, increased sweating, loss of appetite, nausea, nervousness, stomach upset, tiredness, touble sleeping, vomiting, or weight loss. it was one of those crossroads where you ask yourself, should i laugh or should i cry? & i chose to laugh.  made me think of this stand up routine by jeff foxworthy i heard once. he jokes about the side effects sometimes being worse than what your actually trying to fix. (i tried to youtube it, but couldn't find it). i was further amused with the next sentence. "if they continue OR ARE BOTHERSOME, check with your doctor."  what those little things? bothersome?? nooo....  and yah, just for the record, 8-days into this journey with this sweet little pill, i totally have all of the above. 
• a silly comic from the sunday edition of the Daytona Beach News-Journal struck my funny bone. an old lady pointing a gun at her husband who is dressed super nerdy.  & she is saying: "Remember when we were young & you pointed to that old man at the mall & said to me, "If I ever try to leave the house dressed like that, shoot me"?" 

• and then i laughed further when i read this comic guys blog. (http://www.bizarrocomic.blogspot.com/)  the following is copied & pasted from his blog.

Here's a bit of oddness: The day after this cartoon appeared in papers, I received the following email. 

"I dont like how you put guns in your comics, espically on Valentines Day
- (man's name) for my daughter who is 11"

That was the whole thing. I usually answer all of the mail I get, positive or negative, but this one stumped me. I have no idea what to say to this man and his daughter. I want to ask so many questions.

•How about knives, can I show a person chopping onions with a knife?
•Are sticks okay?
•Is there a day other than Valentine's Day when a cartoon gun would be less offensive?
•Have you ever heard of words like "humor," "satire," "hyperbole," "unrealistic desires to control a world which is essentially a festival of random chaos heading downhill without brakes," "choose your battles"?  (me LOL!!!!)

My sincere apologies to anyone who finds ink strokes in the shape of a gun in a cartoon offensive. Next time, I'll use a potato.

"If I ever try to leave the house dressed like that, point a harmless tuber at me."

•  heather armstrongs writing at http://www.dooce.com/
• listening to stand-up comedians on xm radio with zane on our way to pick up outback steakhouse take-out. 
• a text message the next day repeating a one-liner we'd laughed about.
• weeds, season five, especially disc 1.
• a friend & i talking by my car in the parking lot at work. i put my work-out clothes in my trunk.  she said: "hey have you ever been in the trunk with the trunk closed before?" & then she proceeds to jump in the trunk and tells me i should try it.  "come on, face your fears." (she is from seattle, therefore she is weird like me. we get each other that way) my heart is pounding. i tell her i can't do that. she argues. "what if you were kidnapped, come on, you need to know what to do."  (she is this super independent, single mother of two surivor-type) i'm still hesistating. this just seems crazy. and i'm terrified & totally claustrophobic.  i finally give in. the trunk closes. it's pitch black, my heart is absolutely racing, i am freaking out,  i scream.  she said, "breathe, just pull the latch from the inside, you can do this." the trunk pops and i'm free. i jump out & i can't stop giggling. i laugh until my stomach is aching. it was a total Notebook moment where noah makes allie lay in the middle of the street & they almost get ran over by a car. minus the romance part of course. maybe i can recreate the moment with zane. ha
• a couple hours later. back at work. i find out john, one of the regular members at the gym was watching the whole trunk episode thru the free-weights room windows.  i think about what that must have looked like to him.  what kind of person crawls in trunks except for complete & total lunatics. this makes me burst out with laughter all over. 
•  an email titled: "Shallow Thoughts for Today" some shallow thoughts that made me lol: (literally).

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
3. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. (the fact that i read this at work while i was definitely not supposed to be checking my email added to the comedic factor)
4. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
5. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

it might be harder now, and my illness and the medicine that is helping me may be taking away a lot of other things right now, but they cannot take away my ability to laugh, and for that i am thankful. 

day 3

i had to go back to work. i'd called out on saturday, but i had to get back to reality, and that meant working 8-5 at banana monday morning.  i'm not sleeping with my new medication- that is one of the major side effects of an anti-depressant and yet another reason why i've given up on them before.  what i need to do is get a sleeping pill, but that involves finding a primary care physician, and i just haven't been up to the task. yet. 

the half hour drive up to st. augustine draaaaaggged on & on.  i haven't been listening to music lately because i can't decide which is worse- listening to my own thoughts in silence or thinking about someone else's emotions that are being projected thru songs onto me & feeling things i just don't want to feel.  anyway a half hour of silence, my thoughts, & my head in a total fog from the medicine = torture. get this. the medicine's side effects simultaneously make me drowsy, yet unable to sleep... at least not without waking up every hour.  how very helpful & awesome is that.

i looked like hell, and i knew it.  picture yourself after not sleeping for a week straight & then getting run over by an 18-wheeler & then you can get an idea of what i looked like.

i got lots of hugs & back-pats & sympathetic glances & "are you okays?" thru-out the day from co-workers.  sucks to be that girl. 

i thought about how there is entirely too much alone time at banana.  especially on a slow monday.  just hours of folding & re-folding clothes & thinking miserable thoughts.  i felt sooo cranky tho if a customer asked me a question & interrupted those miserable thoughts.  i think i was just afraid i would break down in tears if the conversation required more than 5-words.

so i asked zane if i could give my two-weeks notice. he said it was up to me. making choices feels like a nightmare. i don't want to decide anything right now.  i left without giving my two weeks notice tho so i guess by default i decided. for now.  

day 2

slept in. breakfast with zane & cindy. a phone call from work to see if i will be able to make my shift on monday. appreciating words of wisdom from a friend: "life is not easy, perfect or safe." watching the races because it feels good to do something someone you love enjoys doing. ordering pizza. lots of thinking. texting. an alarm to remind me to take my pill. weird.  will this ever feel normal?  do i want it to feel normal?  all i know is that i want to feel different then i feel right now. and it's very slow going....

day 1, part 2

45-minutes until i had to leave to pick up my new prescription before the pharmacy closed & make it to my 6 o'clock counselling appointment on time.  i took a shower, but i didn't have the energy to wash my hair. i brushed my teeth, washed my face & body & changed underwear for the first time in over 24-hours.

then i talked to my mom. i use to talk to her almost everyday, sometimes several times a day. i haven't done that in weeks. a definite sign that i was going downhill.  come to find out she is dealing with some pretty huge burdens herself.  i ached. she ached. it was a moment of blending our battered hearts.

trying to find my new counselor's house near daytona beach during the weekend of the daytona 500 race. crazy.  cindy came with me.  she wanted to go to a movie & i wanted a distraction.  so i told her i'd treat for her birthday after my session.  i called julian my counselor on the way to reconfirm directions. she said she'd just put a pot of tea on the stove, and wondered if i'd like a cup? i liked her so much in that moment, and i hadn't even met her.
on that note, choosing a counselor is such an initimidating thing.  i hate it.  you get a list of providers from your insurance and you have to choose one based on...  a name? an address?  choosing someone that you click with & want to spill your guts to & build trust with based on these two facts is scary. this time i had four to choose from. i called three and left messages. the 4th one was located too far from me. i only got one call back. i hoped this was fate stepping in and choosing for me.   

we finally got past all the race traffic & found julian's house.  she greeted us with an extra cup of tea (with a matching saucer!) for cindy to enjoy in the car while she waited for me.  her house was so charming & wholly me.  rich, dark hardwood floors, vintage bungalow style windows & moldings, velvet furniture, two-loud-ticking wall clocks that didn't tick in sync... beautiful things.... surely a good sign?

day 1, part 1

step three on my get-help-now-list was to go see a dr.  so i went to an urgent care clinic on saturday afternoon.  i don't have a primary care physician in florida and even if i did, waiting for an appointment & delaying recovery didn't feel like an option. 

my emotional state of mind was(is) fragile to say the least. 

i couldn't bring myself to shower, or change out of yesterdays clothing.  my hair was greasy & my face looked ragged & blotchy & tear-stained.  even with nine-plus hours of sleep my eyes felt almost unmanageably heavy with exhaustion. 

i took my notebook & blogged while i waited.  the olympic games played in the background of the waiting room. a little girl with the flu lost the contents of her tummy on the floor in front of me.

an hour and a half later a nurse called for "ann."  it's only me and one other man left in the waiting room, i assumed she meant me. she is loud and friendly.  when she asked me to step on the scale she said: "what do you weigh 100 pounds with all your clothes on soaking wet?" i forced a half smile and said: "yah i wish."  but she reminded me that i have lost weight.  (tho my weight varies & always has.) but the reality is, anywhere from 10-15 pounds have disappeared from my body in the last few months.  stress is obviously a factor. sometimes it makes me gain. this time it made me lose. 

i liked the nurse. she talked loud, fast, and alot which took the pressure off of me having to.  when we got to talking she told me that she has had personal success with anti-depressants & reminds me that they take time & to respect the process. in so many words anyway.  she made me feel something resembling hope.

finally the dr. came in. he's a big gentle guy with a friendly face.  one of those people that you somehow intuitively believe is just a good person thru & thru.  then he made me cry.  but not because i was wrong about him. 

he asked me about my history with antidepressants & i told him that i'd tried a couple different ones when i was 16, but i'd only given them a couple weeks & never felt that they'd made any difference.  and then i tried them again this last march & i had felt success that time but i couldn't afford them at $130 a month. so his next question was "so why didn't you try something else?" and i said "because i'm a stupid girl." (except i said something more crude). and then he made me look him in the eye and he said "you are not a stupid girl." (well he said i wasn't what i had called myself).  funny how such a simple statement + eye contact can feel so powerful. 

then he asked me if i'd ever seen a psychologist, and i told him that i'd only ever seen counselors. many of them.  and that i had an appointment with one later that evening. then he said "i think it's extremely important that you keep that appointment. will you please keep it?" i hadn't even considered not. but the fact that it seemed so important to him pained me. i wondered what kind of miserable thoughts he must have about my state of mind.  then he said he would be right back with a starter prescription & shut the door. and then i melted into tears with my head in my lap. 

i signed papers & paid my fees.  i heard someone say "feel better." i didn't know how to take that so i kept walking. 

i drove to wal-greens. a fresh supply of tears were released from my eyes.  i was filling another prescription because i can't seem to be stable without it.  such a heavy feeling to feel. 

and that was my attempt to start the recovery process on day 1...

new beginnings

sitting at the drs. office. feeling the weight of the long road ahead of me pressing down on me.  knowing there is no turning back now.  turning back is what i've been doing.  it's time to move forward now. i know that.  i feel that.  i'm ready.  i'm ready to fix me for me, instead of fixing myself to be what i think someone else needs me to be.  i'm ready to invest in my own health. i'm ready to begin to love myself.  & maybe then i can begin to be a better friend, a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better biological mother, a better in-law, a better co-worker, a better person.  i want to know better how to accept help. i know i can't do this in my own strength. i want to accept that. 
step one. admit i have problem(s). be humble.
step two: apologize a lot. but only apologize for the right things.  don't apologize just so someone won't walk away from my life.
step three: go to the dr. give medication a fair & valid try.  don't give up after a month.
step four: see a counselor. give her a fair & valid try. don't give up after a month.
step five: pray a lot. for guidance, strength, forgiveness, hope. 
step six: put one foot in front of the other. live. function.
step seven: focus on what is good. believe in what is good.
step eight: love those who haven't walked away yet. show them i care & i notice them not leaving.
step nine: cry if necessary.
step ten: just breathe. inhale. exhale. accept the process.

winter 2010

out of town. watching the opening ceremony of the winter olympics.  utterly amused because the 49 degree temperature in vancouver was 7-degrees warmer than it was in florida at that moment.