i had to go back to work. i'd called out on saturday, but i had to get back to reality, and that meant working 8-5 at banana monday morning. i'm not sleeping with my new medication- that is one of the major side effects of an anti-depressant and yet another reason why i've given up on them before. what i need to do is get a sleeping pill, but that involves finding a primary care physician, and i just haven't been up to the task. yet.
the half hour drive up to st. augustine draaaaaggged on & on. i haven't been listening to music lately because i can't decide which is worse- listening to my own thoughts in silence or thinking about someone else's emotions that are being projected thru songs onto me & feeling things i just don't want to feel. anyway a half hour of silence, my thoughts, & my head in a total fog from the medicine = torture. get this. the medicine's side effects simultaneously make me drowsy, yet unable to sleep... at least not without waking up every hour. how very helpful & awesome is that.
i looked like hell, and i knew it. picture yourself after not sleeping for a week straight & then getting run over by an 18-wheeler & then you can get an idea of what i looked like.
i got lots of hugs & back-pats & sympathetic glances & "are you okays?" thru-out the day from co-workers. sucks to be that girl.
i thought about how there is entirely too much alone time at banana. especially on a slow monday. just hours of folding & re-folding clothes & thinking miserable thoughts. i felt sooo cranky tho if a customer asked me a question & interrupted those miserable thoughts. i think i was just afraid i would break down in tears if the conversation required more than 5-words.
so i asked zane if i could give my two-weeks notice. he said it was up to me. making choices feels like a nightmare. i don't want to decide anything right now. i left without giving my two weeks notice tho so i guess by default i decided. for now.
hugs. glad you're on the road to help. listen to the kind doctor and the nurse - don't give up. i listened to a lecture last night and although the topic was pain, in its more physical sense, the idea is the same. the idea is the mind-body connection is very powerful and when it is put right, which might take some time, then the goal is to keep the two connected and understand that they can and do work powerfully together. thinking and praying about/for you!
ReplyDeletehey you. thinking about you as i've been catching up on your blog. i'm really proud of you. seriously. your amazing for #1 admitting that you need some help in the emotion department sometimes and #2 for being so honest and open about it. your inspiring me. i wish i had some magic words or advise...but i don't...but i do understand a bit...and hope you know i'll be thinking about you. keep you chin up and remember all the things you have to smile about. love ya. tam
ReplyDeleteJust hang in there...you know I'm thinking about you all the time and don't want to push you to TALK if you don't want to. I've gone through so much for so long with dad's depression, I do understand somewhat, however, I feel so much for you having to actually be going through this all yourself. Like dad has said a hundred times, if only I could just shut off my mind and my thoughts...for people like me, I shut my eyes and "boom", I'm asleep, for people like dad (& you), it's just the opposite...a whole arena of thoughts that you just can't shut-off. It just eats at him sometimes that he can't do it. Amitriptaline worked great for dad for sleep, also for Daniel, he used to take it also for sleep and it does work fine with Zoloft, so if you're interested, I can get you some...just let me know (and it's pretty cheap too). I love you and know, my thoughts are with you always....everyday!
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