day 1, part 1

step three on my get-help-now-list was to go see a dr.  so i went to an urgent care clinic on saturday afternoon.  i don't have a primary care physician in florida and even if i did, waiting for an appointment & delaying recovery didn't feel like an option. 

my emotional state of mind was(is) fragile to say the least. 

i couldn't bring myself to shower, or change out of yesterdays clothing.  my hair was greasy & my face looked ragged & blotchy & tear-stained.  even with nine-plus hours of sleep my eyes felt almost unmanageably heavy with exhaustion. 

i took my notebook & blogged while i waited.  the olympic games played in the background of the waiting room. a little girl with the flu lost the contents of her tummy on the floor in front of me.

an hour and a half later a nurse called for "ann."  it's only me and one other man left in the waiting room, i assumed she meant me. she is loud and friendly.  when she asked me to step on the scale she said: "what do you weigh 100 pounds with all your clothes on soaking wet?" i forced a half smile and said: "yah i wish."  but she reminded me that i have lost weight.  (tho my weight varies & always has.) but the reality is, anywhere from 10-15 pounds have disappeared from my body in the last few months.  stress is obviously a factor. sometimes it makes me gain. this time it made me lose. 

i liked the nurse. she talked loud, fast, and alot which took the pressure off of me having to.  when we got to talking she told me that she has had personal success with anti-depressants & reminds me that they take time & to respect the process. in so many words anyway.  she made me feel something resembling hope.

finally the dr. came in. he's a big gentle guy with a friendly face.  one of those people that you somehow intuitively believe is just a good person thru & thru.  then he made me cry.  but not because i was wrong about him. 

he asked me about my history with antidepressants & i told him that i'd tried a couple different ones when i was 16, but i'd only given them a couple weeks & never felt that they'd made any difference.  and then i tried them again this last march & i had felt success that time but i couldn't afford them at $130 a month. so his next question was "so why didn't you try something else?" and i said "because i'm a stupid girl." (except i said something more crude). and then he made me look him in the eye and he said "you are not a stupid girl." (well he said i wasn't what i had called myself).  funny how such a simple statement + eye contact can feel so powerful. 

then he asked me if i'd ever seen a psychologist, and i told him that i'd only ever seen counselors. many of them.  and that i had an appointment with one later that evening. then he said "i think it's extremely important that you keep that appointment. will you please keep it?" i hadn't even considered not. but the fact that it seemed so important to him pained me. i wondered what kind of miserable thoughts he must have about my state of mind.  then he said he would be right back with a starter prescription & shut the door. and then i melted into tears with my head in my lap. 

i signed papers & paid my fees.  i heard someone say "feel better." i didn't know how to take that so i kept walking. 

i drove to wal-greens. a fresh supply of tears were released from my eyes.  i was filling another prescription because i can't seem to be stable without it.  such a heavy feeling to feel. 

and that was my attempt to start the recovery process on day 1...