thinking out loud

a dangerous thing, i know.

but laying in bed last night. two sweet dogs snuggled between zane & i... zane's hand in mine. it's hard to not love our life here, this life that we've created for ourselves in florida.  it feels sorda awesome.

i can honestly say that when we took the plunge & moved across the nation that we had no idea what we were doing.  all that we knew was that we needed to get out & have an adventure.

& the first couple years were a struggle trying to grow up some & figure out what we were doing.  but it was a beautiful struggle.  we've learned so much about life & each other.  it's an experience i wouldn't trade for the world. 

we never set a time frame of how long we'd stay here, but it never seemed permanent.   but a month into our 3rd year here & home seems closer & closer all the time because "home" has become this place we live in. 

i just felt so present last night laying next to the man i love.  i don't feel this pull to go back to where we came from.  i feel so good just being right here.

i know that will probably change when kids become a more pressing issue.  but right now we're focusing on being 22 & married & kids are no where on the horizon.  unless of course you count the dogs, which in our family we do.

lately i have more moments where i'm just utterly struck by how much this place has grown on me.  it's scary how much i've started to love sunshine.  a part of my heart & soul will always always feel a connection with seattle, mountains & rainy days.  but i also feel myself feeling more & more dependent on sunshine.  it's very strange. 

everytime i drive into jacksonville, the largest city in the US.  800 sqaure miles of city.  everytime i look at pictures of our trip down to miami & watch episodes of csi: miami & remember this vibrant colorful city.  everytime i drive down to the beach & think fondly of our year & a half living across the street from the beautiful atlantic... i fall a little deeper in love with this state. & to think... there is so much undiscovered too.

the distance from everything familiar was a major selling point in the beginning & then it grew into a source of pain & then we grew to love our isolation again.  i don't mean that in a harsh way, but it's just who we are.  we quite simply like to be on our own.

we also have a responsibility here.  one that i have wrestled with quite frankly.  i haven't been to meeting in a couple months & tho i want to go back soon, i don't know when i'll feel ready to take part, but zane has been going as much as work allows him to, and our worker has asked him to share responsibility leading the bible study every other week.  it scares me.  it's an honor, but it scares me.  we are the youngest couple within two hours in any direction.  we are a rest stop in the middle of two fields. 

when we were with sarah & terry last month, we told them that eventually we'd probably move to arizona to have babies & be near my family.  sarah, who famously says exactly what she's thinking says: "why?! they need you here! you can't leave!"  i brushed it off.  but my initial reaction was to fire back & say "hey now sister."  but they were workers so they think like workers so i'm more willing to bite my tongue.  but i'm not comfortable being told that i have to stay here or there.  but if i'm being honest, she's right.  so for now we stay.  & i'm so happy to report that i'm really honestly happy about that.  the future is unknown & the end of florida is no where in sight.  and for now that is o.k. by me.