An Ode To My Love

I’ve asked myself at least 1000 times: why did I get so lucky when it comes to love? That particular love being, THEE love of my life. I know for certain that I don’t deserve it. & I know it wasn’t because I was wise. As a rule, 18 year olds are just not wise. I mean I can definitely see why some people freaked out when we told the world we were committing the rest of our lives to each other. It was indeed crazy. I see that clearly now. But everyday, I learn a little better about how lucky I really was that I found someone like him.

I am not one of those romantical people who believes in fate or that there is just one person out there made just for you. I may have mentioned it before a time or two, but I consider myself a REALIST. And I think that there are many people out there that we may be compatible with. Thousands if you believe my friend Mike. He told me about some statistic one time that researchers say that there are 30,000 some odd people just in your region alone that you could be compatible with. & tho I don’t necessarily believe there are THAT many, I think that the point of his statement is valid.

Julian said something in one of our sessions that I really liked. ( I’m paraphrasing here…) “Choosing to marry young is a tricky thing, by nature we are prone to mate, & so the love (& trust) we give to our partners is a gift. A gift we may (or may not) choose to renew everyday. And every. single. day we have to decide whether or not we will commit to our partner or not.” And because I believe in marriage only being a choice your supposed to make once, to have ended up with this man, was just unbelievably lucky. And shamefully, I think I’ve done just about every possible thing a wife could do to threaten that relationship with that man. And yet, our bond remains, stronger then ever before. It just blows me away.

Zane & I were talking the other day & he mentioned that it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but he felt like I didn’t need him as much, that I was more self-sufficient & independent since we‘d begun working on our marriage. It really surprised me because it was the opposite of how I felt. But I thought about it for a few days. And it hit me Sunday afternoon when I was talking to my best friend. I am more self-sufficient & independent these days, that is true. And it’s not that I don’t need him, I do. But I want his love, his company, him, more then I need him. And I don’t mean that in a negative sense at all.

I’ve begun to love (tho I prefer the word “accept”) myself more & more, instead of trying to change myself into the person I think he or she needs me to be, all the cards are out there on the table, my flaws out there for everyone to judge, and I still feel o.k. with me thru this process, and so is my love. And that is so empowering & the most freeing feeling in the world. I don’t feel tied down by fears & doubts & guilt that I let other people project onto me. To love & be loved, even at your most exposed, with all the ugly stuff out there blowing in the wind is a beautiful wonderful feeling. The best kind of feeling to feel. It sounds cliché, but as they say, those wise ones out there, “how can you expect to be loved when you can’t even love yourself?” it’s a fair question. And I’m starting to grasp it’s concept. It’s going to make me a better wife.

So back to needing vs. wanting. When Zane came into my life first as my best friend, and then as my lover, I was in the lowest of places. I needed him. I was 5-months pregnant & heartbroken. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him, of course I did. But there was no separation between need & want, they were all wrapped up & disguised as one entity. I needed him to make me whole. But no one person can make another person whole. No one person can meet all your needs. God didn’t design us that way, or else there would be no need of Him in our lives. But that’s how I was living. I was leaning on him & depending on him to fulfill all my needs. & it drained us.

Until I realized with a lot of help that I could get strength from within myself! (Yes it deserves an exclamation point). I have to wonder if all these “fun” little adventures & disasters & experiments that make up my life were really all necessary to come to this understanding. I mean did I just maybe miss a turn somewhere? Maybe I was handed an outdated map somewhere along the way?? But alas, I won’t spend too much energy on questioning.

Anyway have I mentioned how much I love Zane?! I mean he does refuse to be my gym partner, and if we have a son someday he won’t let me name him Zane Jr. because he said that would be “boring” & he drives a little on the slow side, but really, I think I can handle those things…. Don’t you?

another song i like.

tired of looking it up on youtube.  just adding it to my blog for easier access to it. again, more for me then it is for you. 

Message of the Day

i got this from someone i love very much a long time ago in my email.  i will respect their privacy by withholding their name.  but i was thinking about it today after somebody did something totally ridiculous & then i just let myself think about people that really bug me for awhile... which got me all fired up.  some days you just can't take the high road.  today is one of em. 

I felt sarah crawl into my bed this morning. I lifted up my sleep mask to peek out at the world.

Me asking in froggy voice: “where is zane at?” I hadn’t even felt him leave our bed. It’s the dang xanax. Sarah all chipper: “he’s in the kitchen sweetie.”

me very out of it: “oh, what time is it?”

mrs. Chipper: “7:30”

me exasperated: “*groan* SARAH……!!!”

But then I got up. Because it was our last day. And I wanted to make the most of it. Drugged out or not.

I brought my AWESOME bedhead to breakfast.

Breakfast was hilarious. It was eggs, oj, fruity pebbles. And leftovers. Including sweet potatoes. Now THAT is funny.

After breakfast we hot-tubbed it up. Terry beat sarah at mancala. In the hot tub. What cute honeymooners they are.

We took a bus, and then that bus took us to a boat. And then that boat took us to a private island in estero bay. It was SUCH a gorgeous day. We saw 82 degrees. & at least three dolphins. And one jellyfish. A lady laughed with me when I pretended to be the little mermaid. I was screaming & running barefoot on the beach with glee. The red bull gave me wings.

I told the honeymooners about our tradition of writing love letters to each other in the sand whenever we go anyplace sandy. And.then.my.camera.died. Ugh. How dare it. We still wrote love notes tho, but then the boat was leaving & we had to rush. Sarah wrote: “sarah loves terry mega.” only sarah says things like “mega.” that’s one of the reasons I love her.

CHOPS!!

is it just me or does Chops just command an exclamation point after it!? 

so sarah & terry raved about this fancy grill called Chops!  It was uh-mazing.  Unfortunately on day two of Zoloft: Part II + the swimming/biking/kayaking...  I was feeling prriiiittty tuckered out.  I was a pretty lousy dinner guest i'll admit.  It was such good food all the same.

Is Zane not the cutest nerd you have EVER seen in your life? I just want to eat him!  I occasionally do take small unnoticable chunks out of him.  Oh!  He is just so adorable.  And all mine. 

Parsley infused olive oil + butter + sourdough.  Genius!

I have never seen Zane express so much emotion as he did over his prime rib.  He muttered & grunted sweet nothings the.whole.dang.time.  I was slightly jealous. 

I asked Sarah if i had anything stuck in my teeth.  I did. 

We had such full bellies! i think we all thought we might just pop. so my love asked me out for a stroll with him during the hour of twilight & we walked it off. 

The Great Outdoors Sure is Great!

sarah & i biked to the grocery store for butter & o.j. what is better than biking on vacation, please tell me?!  it is unbeatable. 

they asked if we wanted to go kayaking.  they did not have to ask twice.

i was mildly freaked when i saw "the sign" & that there were no double kayaks available. i had to paddle myself AND dodge alligators???  COME ON PEOPLE!!

it was sooo incredibly peaceful.  i felt ONE with nature. or something like that.  i was totally into it anyway.

we all held each others canoes & drifted while we ate lunch.  turkey, muenster cheese & ezekiel bread.  it was surprisingly fabulous.  i thought i'd miss mayonnaise. 

then sarah & i played musical canoes. we almost fell in. & then almost peed ourselves laughing. 

back on land, we saw an alligator. we got really close. closer then this picture proves.  it wasn't moving. zane wondered aloud if it was plastic. then it did move.  i screamed.  then the cranky senior citizen watching us yelled at us & said: "you guys are asking for trouble! those are wild animals yah know....!" 

yah don't say... 

monday nite

we had the most generous host & hostess.  they made us tuna steaks with pickled ginger & lemon juice.  and that was just the app!   i had to lie about the enormous mashed potato bowl from KFC that i'd had like two-hours before.  mahi mahi & snapper, scallops, asapargus & sweet potatoes were served at the main course.  we had stinky breath & stinky pee on the same night. wow.  & we washed it all down with yummy root beer.  i'd never had tuna not in a can. i didn't think i'd like it rare, but i was pleasantly surprised.  it was dee-lish!  me & sarah didn't like the scallops tho.  no no.  zane & terry talked car washes.  go figure they'd have that of all things in common.  me & sarah picked up where we left off.  we met at juneau convention when we were in 6th grade. we'd bonded over our sticker collection if you're wondering.  i visited her one summer in wisconsin.  she'd visited me twice in washington.  phone conversations kept us up to date on the particulars of each other's lives in between visits.  i sure do love her. 

South Bound

i warmed up the further south we got.  it was still touch & go there for awhile.  luckily the tears stopped.  we kinda went thru Po-Dunk America to get to Bonita Springs.  There were like three towns in a row that you could've told us, "You are now in Pasco." Or "You have just entered Benton City."  & we would've been like, "Yup.  I can see that."  Shout out to my old home, BUT yah know... it is is what it is.  Zane saw a John Deere Tractor Dealer, a Circle, Angus Cows, Etc.  He was a happy man.  A car passed us when we took these pix.  They pointed & laughed.  Which made us laugh. 

HOT MESS

So as I was saying… Monday got off to a rocky start.

I wasn’t really exaggerating when I said I kinda wanted to die there for awhile. Zane wishes all of our Mondays could start this way. (Take note of the heavy usage of sarcasm that you would hear in my voice if you were so lucky as to be here, and I was telling you this loveliest of stories in person).

My alarm went off at 7:03 am (I have a thing against alarms going off at perfect hours, the odd numbers should get a chance too, don’t you think?) I remember feeling especially groggy. And then my to-do list starting running laps in my head. I’d been too tired to attempt to pack or clean up the apartment the night before & the clock was tic-tocking at me. Best way to make it stop? Hit the snooze button.

At 8:17 I heard a doorbell. It was my phone because I thought it would be interesting to have a doorbell sound for my ring tone. (The logic is unclear even to me.)

It was Sarah. When I said, “hello?” I heard Mrs. Ault say: “oh no, I woke you up didn’t I?” I told her that no, and in fact, my alarm had already gone off & I really needed to have gotten up about 45-minutes ago, but obviously hadn’t. “Oh sweetie… how are you feeling today…?” (in her sympathetic baby voice). She knew that yesterday had been rough from our text-versations. I told her I’d call her in awhile.

I stumbled into the shower. TOTAL FOG. Like waking up drunk & trying to function. That kind of fog. Except I wasn’t drunk. I started throwing stuff in the army bag that we put our “cosmetics” in when something made me look twice at my anti-depressant pill bottle.

That minor little detail that caught my eye? The name: ZANE RATHBUN. What is Zane’s name doing on MY pill bottle? I looked closer. Oh.My.Freaking.Word.

I ran into our bedroom & threw the bottle at Zane. It bounced off his leg & fell to the floor. I half yelled/half cried: “This is why I feel so bad!!!!!!!”

And then I promptly collapsed onto our bed. My hair is dripping wet & I’m just in my towel still. & Zane just rocked me in his arms.

I cried & cried. I cried harder as the reality of what I’d done sunk in further.

For the past THREE days I had been taking Zane’s anti-nausea pill instead of my anti-depressant.

I was dumbfounded. All I could do was cry. I felt like I’d been punched.

It all made so much sense now.

• Why I’d almost fallen asleep at my desk on Friday night. (they make you drowsy)
• And then came home & slept for like 10-hours without the aid of a xanax which is the only thing that allows me to sleep at all since I started taking the anti-depressant.
• And why I’d felt soooo sad on Sunday & started crying for no reason at all at different times thru-out the day. (Zoloft left my system)
• And why I’d eaten like I was starving child in Africa all day. (Zoloft takes away my appetite, but no Zoloft so therefore LARGE appetite)
• And why I felt UNBELIEVABLY horrible this morning. (Again... NO HAPPY PILLS in my system!)

I totally see why they specifically warn you against going off anti-depressants abruptly without first speaking to your dr.

Um… yah, proooooobably because you feel like someone drop kicked you from a plane and you bounced down a mountain of frozen dog s***!!!

I literally felt like someone was pressing their entire body weight against my heart (especially if that person was as large as a sumo wrestler) & someone forgot to turn off the faucet behind my eyelids. It was the feeling of sadness on steroids.

We were supposed to be packed & ready before our counseling appointment so we could head south from Julian’s house. But it was all I could do to put clothing on. And Zane didn’t push me for more then that.

I asked if we could stop for coffee. I waited outside while Zane ordered for us. He handed me my cup and we walked toward the car.

By the time we’d reached the door I was bent over in uncontrolled sobs. The kind that makes you clutch your tummy & sometimes drool escapes. I just kept repeating: “I don’t want to feel like this.” Over & over again.

I called my Mom. I tried to tell her what i did, but she couldn’t understand the words between the sobs. Zane finally took over.

My mascara left trails of black from my lashes down to my jaw. Julian answered the door. She took one look at me & then to Zane & said: “um so how are we feeling today?”

I said. “You talk baby. I just can’t.”

By the time we left, I felt so much better. I love Julian & my husband. 

I'd also taken the right happy pill before we'd left. I'd like to think it was beginning to happily swim thru my blood at that point. 

I'd had to snort at my ridiculous self when Julian said: "um maybe until Anna is feeling like herself again, maybe you should check her pill bottle before she puts the wrong one in her mouth again Zane." 

omigosh... it's a preview of life in a nursing home. or a mental hospital. hey. maybe that's coming sooner then i think...?

checking in

i wanted to die for the first couple waking hours on monday.  

now we're in bonita springs, florida.  somewhere on the southwest gulf coast of florida. 

we spent the last two hours kayaking & dying seems SO yesterday.

thank goodness for drugs.  taking the right ones is key tho.  you should really check the labels. 

i'll elaborate more when we get home tomorrow night.  & i'm even ready to add some pix. 

thanks for comments, texts, phone calls, voice messges & emails.  you make me smile. 

rhetorical questions

wikipedia says that when a speaker states a rhetorical question that no formal answer is expected.  i guess that sums up my question to the universe.  why am i crying?

sitting in my rocking chair on our patio, hugging my knees, smoking my cigarette, and tears are streaming down my face. why.

nothing bad happened. if anything, only progress has been made in the last week. 

• i'm officially on vacation as of today thru wednesday. 
• we are going to see our friends who are visiting florida on their honeymoon tomorrow.
• we have our first joint counselling session (a good thing, we thought it would take us longer to want to have joint sessions)
• we get to explore a new part of florida. 
• a road trip.
• i have officially slept two nights in a row without the aid of sleeping pills. 
• my body fought off whatever illness was trying to grab hold of me on friday.
• i've never been more sure of my husbands love for me

so please tell me, why am i crying?  why do i feel so sad? 

that's the really crappy part of depression.  sometimes there just aren't answers.   

WHATAYA WANT FROM ME?!

i want to elaborate where my head was going in the last part of my most recent post.  the whole mini rant on wanting to act my age. 

this realization has been ground breaking for my life.

every big decision in my life preceding this moment has been all about pushing the fast forward button & holding. it. down.  & for the first time, my head is going: "woah lady, what are you doing..."

i moved out of my parents home a month after i turned 17. 
then they moved to arizona. 1300 miles away from me while i finished high school.
then i got pregnant & brought a child into this world when i was 18.
then i got married when i was 19.
then we moved across the united states before our 20th birthdays & started completely over here.

babies are a constant topic.
college & what we should do long-term careerwise comes up frequently.
& we put in an offer on a house a month ago. (thankfully it was rejected!)

everything has been about rushing to the NEXT thing.  let me take a moment to say, that i take full responsibility for all these events in my life. i don't blame anyone but me. and i wouldn't go back & unmarry zane. heck no.  all i'm saying is that thankfully life has a funny way of stepping in when it all seems to be blowing up in our faces so that we can take a moment to breathe & think about what we really want.  

yo, i'll tell you what i want, what i really really want,
i wanna, i wanna, i wann ha, i wann ha, i really wanna,
really really wanna zigazag ah...

(yah, i said it, just a little spice girls reference for those of you who also grew up listening to 90s pop music!)

ANYWAY.  what i'm trying to say is that i'm cool with just taking a chill pill while i sit back & enjoy being 22.

Whataya want from me?
Just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around

i've found myself relating to these lines in this song lately. i mean really, what universe, do you want from me?? because i'm only 22. and i just want to be 22 & live day-to-day for once in my life.  do you get that? or is it just me that won't give me permission to be 22? 

this girl who works out regularly at my gym came into the store (banana) today & looked me up & down & said: "wow that outfit takes like a good 5-6 years off of you!  instead of like 26, you look more like a 20-year-old."  my heart loved hearing those words.  even tho all it meant was that i was wearing understated non-business appearal like i have to at the gym.

& quit laughing that someone actually thinks i might be 26!  if you muuuust know, it was my work ethic & my life experiences that defied my real age.

soooo what if:
i can totally get lost in an episode of wizards of waverly place (disney channel show) over pizza at pizza hut
or i can rock out to justin bieber (like i care if he's only 16...)
& on that note... it's just like they say: "if it's too loud, you're too old!!!  (sheesh grraanndmaaa...)
or that i consume enough mt. dew that i might as well just be hooked up to an IV of the stuff
and that i can't make myself care about greasy french fries clogging up my arteries because i still feel have a good 50-years of mcdonald's yumminess left in me...ignorance is indeed bliss.
or that i think all vegetables are yucky. except corn & potatoes which are totally veggies in my book.
....among other things.

do NOT shove me in the "mature & married" box.

I would not, could not, in a box.
I could not, would not, with a fox.
I will not eat them with a mouse.
I will not eat them in a house.
I will not eat them here or there.
I will not eat them anywhere.
I do not eat green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

& that's how i feel about that. 

& let me just add... since i've started on this zoloft-ladden journey plus the part about zane being the best husband ever... i let myself laugh. like really laugh. i realize now looking back, especially over this past year, how much i have been holding myself in, afraid to let myself just be.  and it feels sooo good.

the other night

baring your soul to your lover over quesadillas is underrated. we should do it more often fo sho.  monday night was the bestest. 

he was all: what do you want for dinner
& i was all like: i want a mashed potato bowl from kfc
& then he was all like: but i had that for lunch
& i was all: um, whats your point dude? i had one too
& he was all like: well i kinda want to sit-down somewhere...
& then i was all: hmmm....they've got booths at kfc you know....
& then he was all: i'm not really feelin' fast food....

& then i was all silent. it kinda threw me, not gonna lie.  we are pretty loyal to take-out these days.

& then i said exactly what i was thinking, whiiiich is not typically my style.  i prefer to pout while he tries to read my mind.  & when he fails, then i give him the evil eye & the silent treatment for a few months to punish him.

"i'm just not really feeling the whole eating in silence thing for like 20-something minutes."  yah. we'd become that couple recently. the one who you know is most definitely not dating because they are more interested in staring off into space then participating in adult conversation.  & i am most definitely NOT cool with being that couple. 

so i just put it out there & let it hang there.  i mean i said it nicely of course. but it was heavy all the same.

he sat there for a minute thinking about it. then he was all:  "well i can't really hear good in restaurants."

major pause. but my mind was totally yelling "ummm.... i smell maaayjah bull poop!!!!!!!"

instead i was just all calmish-like & said: "ok, that's fine, but either you try to hear me or i don't want to go out & sit down at a restaurant with you" dude. how do you feel about THAT!? (that last part was silent of course).

he thought about it. i could tell he was really listening to the words i had said out loud. & i'm pretty positive he could tell i was being perfectly straight-forward with him & not just some nasty b-word for the sake of nastiness.

so out we went.

he drove. i let him drive.  like the senior citizen driver that he is. sloooooooooooow. it's good practice for me to let him be the boss man & learn some patience simultaneously. cos i'm such an awesome multi-tasker like that. 

we chattered about work. he told me about this manager that he is 98% sure is getting canned soon.  this other manager asked him to snitch on the one who is getting the boot & zane was all: "umm nooo. i don't want to get involved. leave me out dawg." (of course zane didn't really say "dawg" - i mean can you imagine?!)

i should point out that it's a good thing the laws of the real world don't apply to Lowe's employees otherwise he might be in jail right now for obstruction of justice. annnnd conjugal visits in some nasty trailer would put a serious damper on my sex life.... i mean let's be real.... (i kid i kid)

i was all: "i think that was REALLY cool that you had brian's back dude"
& then he like totally interrupted me to tell me something else!
& then i was like all irritated! 

but wait! i stopped & took a moment to psycho-analyze myself before i delivered a tongue-lashing & asked: "so tell me oh dear looney head of mine, why am i irritated at this moment?" 

then i knew. oh yah. that boy ignored me when i complimented him. i mean i touched his knee & looked him in the eye AND EVERYTHING!!!

i kinda wanted to jump down that boy's throat but instead i was all: "um, why did you ignore me?" nice-like. AGAIN. i was on a roll guys... (I THINK IT'S THE DRUGS!!! shh...)

then he said something totally honest & calm back that went something like this: "i don't know how to accept compliments."  just like that. cool as a cucumber.

"oh."

"me either dude."

"we should work on that."

"ok."

enter hand-squeezing & two mushy-little hearts full of warm fuzzies.

the new "open door policy" continued at the restaurant.  we even discussed the big issues. like as in the ones that landed us in marriage counselling & on a series of medications & even separate beds for awhile there.  thooooose ones. 

but we talked about them like we were talking about the weather.  all mature & collected-like.

then we high-fived & he smacked my booty.  whew. & we're back. 

did i mention it was the bestest night ever? like ever ever.

yes- i know- i'm making something light out of something that i (we) take very seriously. but hey. my blog. my rules.  & let's not forget. we're 22. we want to act our age.  not try to be 22 going on 35.  cheese & rice society! but we have vowed to continue to take our happy pills & continue our marriage counselling with julian & promise to make a choice to commit to each other everyday.  that part we'll be mature about.... the rest?  no promises can be made.  =)

i heart youtube

Pllleassse. Don't act like you aren't smiling.

we are SO back in business dude.

ok let's be real. "we are getting closer to being back in business," is the more accurate statement that should be used. but never mind that silly little reality & let us just focus on the case in point: my love for music has been revived y'all. & by love, i mean that feeling of just pure, uncontaminated euphoria when certain songs come in contact with my ear drums.  you know the kind that makes you feel entirely alive & like you could possibly explode with energy?

um yah. IT'S BACK!!!!!

this song called sweet little thing by alessandro viale ft. vaanya diva totally helped.  i added the youtube edit that i adore for your listening pleasure. and by yours i really mean mine. hey, lets not forget. it's my blog afterall. + the picture that accompanies the video is pretty. i'm picturing me there. with zane. that man i am freaking in love with. and if there was ever a time that i wanted to shout that out on a rooftop so everyone could hear how much i freaking love that man. that time is now.