An Ode To My Love

I’ve asked myself at least 1000 times: why did I get so lucky when it comes to love? That particular love being, THEE love of my life. I know for certain that I don’t deserve it. & I know it wasn’t because I was wise. As a rule, 18 year olds are just not wise. I mean I can definitely see why some people freaked out when we told the world we were committing the rest of our lives to each other. It was indeed crazy. I see that clearly now. But everyday, I learn a little better about how lucky I really was that I found someone like him.

I am not one of those romantical people who believes in fate or that there is just one person out there made just for you. I may have mentioned it before a time or two, but I consider myself a REALIST. And I think that there are many people out there that we may be compatible with. Thousands if you believe my friend Mike. He told me about some statistic one time that researchers say that there are 30,000 some odd people just in your region alone that you could be compatible with. & tho I don’t necessarily believe there are THAT many, I think that the point of his statement is valid.

Julian said something in one of our sessions that I really liked. ( I’m paraphrasing here…) “Choosing to marry young is a tricky thing, by nature we are prone to mate, & so the love (& trust) we give to our partners is a gift. A gift we may (or may not) choose to renew everyday. And every. single. day we have to decide whether or not we will commit to our partner or not.” And because I believe in marriage only being a choice your supposed to make once, to have ended up with this man, was just unbelievably lucky. And shamefully, I think I’ve done just about every possible thing a wife could do to threaten that relationship with that man. And yet, our bond remains, stronger then ever before. It just blows me away.

Zane & I were talking the other day & he mentioned that it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but he felt like I didn’t need him as much, that I was more self-sufficient & independent since we‘d begun working on our marriage. It really surprised me because it was the opposite of how I felt. But I thought about it for a few days. And it hit me Sunday afternoon when I was talking to my best friend. I am more self-sufficient & independent these days, that is true. And it’s not that I don’t need him, I do. But I want his love, his company, him, more then I need him. And I don’t mean that in a negative sense at all.

I’ve begun to love (tho I prefer the word “accept”) myself more & more, instead of trying to change myself into the person I think he or she needs me to be, all the cards are out there on the table, my flaws out there for everyone to judge, and I still feel o.k. with me thru this process, and so is my love. And that is so empowering & the most freeing feeling in the world. I don’t feel tied down by fears & doubts & guilt that I let other people project onto me. To love & be loved, even at your most exposed, with all the ugly stuff out there blowing in the wind is a beautiful wonderful feeling. The best kind of feeling to feel. It sounds cliché, but as they say, those wise ones out there, “how can you expect to be loved when you can’t even love yourself?” it’s a fair question. And I’m starting to grasp it’s concept. It’s going to make me a better wife.

So back to needing vs. wanting. When Zane came into my life first as my best friend, and then as my lover, I was in the lowest of places. I needed him. I was 5-months pregnant & heartbroken. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him, of course I did. But there was no separation between need & want, they were all wrapped up & disguised as one entity. I needed him to make me whole. But no one person can make another person whole. No one person can meet all your needs. God didn’t design us that way, or else there would be no need of Him in our lives. But that’s how I was living. I was leaning on him & depending on him to fulfill all my needs. & it drained us.

Until I realized with a lot of help that I could get strength from within myself! (Yes it deserves an exclamation point). I have to wonder if all these “fun” little adventures & disasters & experiments that make up my life were really all necessary to come to this understanding. I mean did I just maybe miss a turn somewhere? Maybe I was handed an outdated map somewhere along the way?? But alas, I won’t spend too much energy on questioning.

Anyway have I mentioned how much I love Zane?! I mean he does refuse to be my gym partner, and if we have a son someday he won’t let me name him Zane Jr. because he said that would be “boring” & he drives a little on the slow side, but really, I think I can handle those things…. Don’t you?