sitting in my rocking chair on our patio, hugging my knees, smoking my cigarette, and tears are streaming down my face. why.
nothing bad happened. if anything, only progress has been made in the last week.
- i'm officially on vacation as of today thru wednesday.
- we are going to see our friends who are visiting florida on their honeymoon tomorrow.
- we have our first joint counselling session (a good thing, we thought it would take us longer to want to have joint sessions)
- we get to explore a new part of florida.
- a road trip.
- i have officially slept two nights in a row without the aid of sleeping pills.
- my body fought off whatever illness was trying to grab hold of me on friday.
- i've never been more sure of my husbands love for me
that's the really crappy part of depression. sometimes there just aren't answers.
OK you keep jolting me with NEW things and of course, you knew I would be completely jolted with the "smoking the cigarettes" thing...tell me what that is all about and why??? OMG, I understand the depression, the awful highs and lows, the crying, the wanting to not grow up, everything, but the cigarettes??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND...This morning I thought about the power of God, and yes, I know you haven't mentioned God in a long time, so I'm guessing you're NOT seeking the help of God in your life, but honestly, God can help you with EVERY PART of your life, whether it's with alcohol, smoking, drugs, whatever it is, if we are seeking his help, he will give it to us. Who are we to deny that God is not able to give us the power to overcome anything if we but seek him and the power he has to give to us. I understand, when you're not feeling good you don't get to meeting, but when we leave God OUT of our life he's not gonna keep banging on the door. So, my dear, I understand you're going through a lot, and seeking help to get better, but WHY the cigarettes? (Maybe that's why you've lost so much weight...could it be?) Know that I love you, and I hope you keep working on getting the help you need. And yes, you knew I would say something, so here it is.
ReplyDeleteAHH I know I KNOW I Know what you mean. My take on it.. I know its a rhetorical question but..for some reason I am compelled to at least attempt to explain it to myself.. Even when things are going so so good...Life...is just overwhelming. Happy or sad, good or bad...subconsciously though, it is so so so very exhausting to live every day and even though every day the good things build up over the tiny bad things create a mountain instead of us and before we know it we are teetering over the edge and wondering how in the world we got to that point..and crying is all we can do. It's not an answer..honestly I wasn't trying to give you an answer. I guess I just feel like even though I'm in a different place than you, I have asked myself the exact same question--a couple of weeks ago actually when I ended up in a stairwell..wondering WHY AM I CRYING?
ReplyDeleteI am continously amazed that you and I somehow walk the same wavelength even when I feel like I haven't talked to you in ages. Oh best friend how I miss you terribly.
Sharing your mom's concern! Just another mom in this great village we call LIFE!
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