i want to elaborate where my head was going in the last part of my most recent post. the whole mini rant on wanting to act my age.
this realization has been ground breaking for my life.
every big decision in my life preceding this moment has been all about pushing the fast forward button & holding. it. down. & for the first time, my head is going: "woah lady, what are you doing..."
i moved out of my parents home a month after i turned 17.
then they moved to arizona. 1300 miles away from me while i finished high school.
then i got pregnant & brought a child into this world when i was 18.
then i got married when i was 19.
then we moved across the united states before our 20th birthdays & started completely over here.
babies are a constant topic.
college & what we should do long-term careerwise comes up frequently.
& we put in an offer on a house a month ago. (thankfully it was rejected!)
everything has been about rushing to the NEXT thing. let me take a moment to say, that i take full responsibility for all these events in my life. i don't blame anyone but me. and i wouldn't go back & unmarry zane. heck no. all i'm saying is that thankfully life has a funny way of stepping in when it all seems to be blowing up in our faces so that we can take a moment to breathe & think about what we really want.
yo, i'll tell you what i want, what i really really want,
i wanna, i wanna, i wann ha, i wann ha, i really wanna,
really really wanna zigazag ah...
(yah, i said it, just a little spice girls reference for those of you who also grew up listening to 90s pop music!)
ANYWAY. what i'm trying to say is that i'm cool with just taking a chill pill while i sit back & enjoy being 22.
Whataya want from me?
Just don't give up
I'm working it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
i've found myself relating to these lines in this song lately. i mean really, what universe, do you want from me?? because i'm only 22. and i just want to be 22 & live day-to-day for once in my life. do you get that? or is it just me that won't give me permission to be 22?
this girl who works out regularly at my gym came into the store (banana) today & looked me up & down & said: "wow that outfit takes like a good 5-6 years off of you! instead of like 26, you look more like a 20-year-old." my heart loved hearing those words. even tho all it meant was that i was wearing understated non-business appearal like i have to at the gym.
& quit laughing that someone actually thinks i might be 26! if you muuuust know, it was my work ethic & my life experiences that defied my real age.
soooo what if:
i can totally get lost in an episode of wizards of waverly place (disney channel show) over pizza at pizza hut
or i can rock out to justin bieber (like i care if he's only 16...)
& on that note... it's just like they say: "if it's too loud, you're too old!!! (sheesh grraanndmaaa...)
or that i consume enough mt. dew that i might as well just be hooked up to an IV of the stuff
and that i can't make myself care about greasy french fries clogging up my arteries because i still feel have a good 50-years of mcdonald's yumminess left in me...ignorance is indeed bliss.
or that i think all vegetables are yucky. except corn & potatoes which are totally veggies in my book.
....among other things.
do NOT shove me in the "mature & married" box.
I would not, could not, in a box.
I could not, would not, with a fox.
I will not eat them with a mouse.
I will not eat them in a house.
I will not eat them here or there.
I will not eat them anywhere.
I do not eat green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
& that's how i feel about that.
& let me just add... since i've started on this zoloft-ladden journey plus the part about zane being the best husband ever... i let myself laugh. like really laugh. i realize now looking back, especially over this past year, how much i have been holding myself in, afraid to let myself just be. and it feels sooo good.
I kind of wrote my thots on that other blog entry, but I like your references to the Green Eggs and Ham book, that was my favorite and to this day I still quote some of the same parts that you quoted on your blog. I won't "shove" you in the Mature and Married box...just the Married box from now on...until I see the mature part "kick-in" ha ha! I didn't get the Spice Girls reference because I was not a Spice Girls cronie...guess I'm too old, ha just like the loud music grandma... So please, sit-back, relax, and take your 'chill-pills' and ENJOY 22, you still have lots of time to grow-up...and if for some awful reason you don't...just stay right with God, and the growing up and maturing won't matter. Remember, your "old" mama here didn't even marry until 25 and then didn't even have you, my #1 until 28 and #2 @ 30 and #3 & 4 at 34...can't imagine having gone through all you have at such a young age!
ReplyDeleteI feel slightly disgusted with myself that I so quickly and easily recognized the Spice Girls. Wow. At least it wasn't the Macarena because I really don't care to deal with that running around in my head the rest of the day. :p
ReplyDeleteI struggle with that similar feeling of wanting to just act my age. I am surrounded by "grown-ups" and near constant "grown-up" conversation, sometimes the 24 year old in me is just screaming, "PLEASE!! CAN I DO SOMETHING STUPID AND POSSIBLY HARMFUL TO MY PERSON FOR JUST A BIT?!?!?!?"
So, that's why I'm so glad that I have a friend in the work who's close to my age. We bounce stupid things and conversation off one another and even if we don't do anything, just the thoughts are fun (and usually more fun than actually doing something).
But I've had to find a way to balance. That's key for me. That's huge.
Funny you mention that Whatya want from me song and the Spice girls song... seriously.... The Whatya want from me lyrics go through my head on a daily basis. So when you put in on here I was like ESPN ESPN. I'm glad you're getting to the point where you can let go of holding yourself in and let yourself be 22. It surprises me sometimes how old we are NOT....
ReplyDeleteand it makes me wonder..WHY do we do this to ourselves!!!!?