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5.27.2011
5.11.2011
Yoga is for peaceful people
I said it half-jokingly but there was this transperancy to my words as soon as they slipped past my lips. I might as well have said, "i'm not allowing myself to partake in things that would make me feel good because i'm not a good person."
I'd spent most of the last hour spilling the contents of my head, and sharing the events of the past couple months with my therapist.
I love how my words become more then just words with Julian, she reads me like a book and reveals what can only be read between the lines.
Between an unexpected apology in my inbox, one that found me in the fetal position on my bathroom floor crying bittersweet tears, and then a mailbox full of all my old graduation cards reminiscent of such an unsure time, the third week of April really kicked me off my chair & forced me to think about days goneby. Feelings that are never far from the surface to begin with, came back with a vengeance.
So there it is in a nutshell, the big revelation, insert seventeen-year old girl & seven-years of no growth in the department of my emotions, and you have my tragic truth.
It threw me for a loop, all these isolated events coming together. Why did this person choose to email me now, seven-years later? Why did Mom clean out their garage and find these cards now? And why did I find a blog post on a blog I haven't read in months that would resonate so deeply with me, after my own similar therapy session.
Simply because there are no accidents.
A philosophy i'm still trying to wrap my head around, not because it's so ground-breaking, but because it's hard to rest in the peace that everything happens for a reason, and the timing of events is to serve a purpose, a lesson, a window of opportunity to grow.
My pain has been self-inflicted. It serves as both punishment and protection. The thought process being: "i'll treat myself worse than you can, so you can't hurt me. I'll provoke myself so that when you try to it won't come as a surprise." But in so doing, i've grounded myself from flying away from this low place. I have been keeping myself a prisoner because that is what I deserve.
It's uncomfortable to know this about myself, to have Julian make me understand that I am more comfortable with treating myself as a failure than as someone who possess the power to evolve and grow into the person i've told myself i'll never be.
Perspective is my jailbreak, but isn't it always?
This is me breaking free. This is the inspiration behind a new blog(coming soon), a new chapter, one that isn't dictated by negative self-talk. This is my new vow to myself, to believe in the person I am at my core, but have hidden out of fear, the fear to change. This is me on a path that travels above the opinions of others, that forces me to listen to the person I am when i'm quiet, to accept myself, and as a result love the people in my life with a heart that isn't heavy, one that is free.
I'd spent most of the last hour spilling the contents of my head, and sharing the events of the past couple months with my therapist.
I love how my words become more then just words with Julian, she reads me like a book and reveals what can only be read between the lines.
Between an unexpected apology in my inbox, one that found me in the fetal position on my bathroom floor crying bittersweet tears, and then a mailbox full of all my old graduation cards reminiscent of such an unsure time, the third week of April really kicked me off my chair & forced me to think about days goneby. Feelings that are never far from the surface to begin with, came back with a vengeance.
"Emotionally I have not progressed beyond that (blank)-year-old girl. I have physically carried that failure for (blank) years. It has affected every relationship I have ever had... And tragically it has robbed me of the happiness I should have been relishing."A quote from one of my favorite writers, Heather Armstrong, also coincidently published the last week of April about her own recent therapy session.
So there it is in a nutshell, the big revelation, insert seventeen-year old girl & seven-years of no growth in the department of my emotions, and you have my tragic truth.
It threw me for a loop, all these isolated events coming together. Why did this person choose to email me now, seven-years later? Why did Mom clean out their garage and find these cards now? And why did I find a blog post on a blog I haven't read in months that would resonate so deeply with me, after my own similar therapy session.
Simply because there are no accidents.
A philosophy i'm still trying to wrap my head around, not because it's so ground-breaking, but because it's hard to rest in the peace that everything happens for a reason, and the timing of events is to serve a purpose, a lesson, a window of opportunity to grow.
My pain has been self-inflicted. It serves as both punishment and protection. The thought process being: "i'll treat myself worse than you can, so you can't hurt me. I'll provoke myself so that when you try to it won't come as a surprise." But in so doing, i've grounded myself from flying away from this low place. I have been keeping myself a prisoner because that is what I deserve.
It's uncomfortable to know this about myself, to have Julian make me understand that I am more comfortable with treating myself as a failure than as someone who possess the power to evolve and grow into the person i've told myself i'll never be.
Perspective is my jailbreak, but isn't it always?
This is me breaking free. This is the inspiration behind a new blog(coming soon), a new chapter, one that isn't dictated by negative self-talk. This is my new vow to myself, to believe in the person I am at my core, but have hidden out of fear, the fear to change. This is me on a path that travels above the opinions of others, that forces me to listen to the person I am when i'm quiet, to accept myself, and as a result love the people in my life with a heart that isn't heavy, one that is free.
5.02.2011
Night Shift
It's quiet.
Im enjoying seeing the momentary confusion & then smiles when they see my face walk in after pushing their call buttons. They know im never here at this time.
Lots of giggling born out of sheer exhaustion. I love tired giggles.
Calls for help because they are trying to have a bowel movement but they cant get it out. Wonder how they suppose i can assist with that?? I wish them luck. They appreciate it. Priceless.
I timed my "lunch" break perfectly with the krispy kreme delivery man at Gate, the gas station at 3 o'clock in the morning. I get a donut from yesterday for free. Niccce. A happy surprise.
I get the comment, "i cant believe your husband let you work this shift" several times. In a weird way it makes me thankful my husband doesnt put boundaries on me like that.
Oh & Osama is dead.
What a night.
Im enjoying seeing the momentary confusion & then smiles when they see my face walk in after pushing their call buttons. They know im never here at this time.
Lots of giggling born out of sheer exhaustion. I love tired giggles.
Calls for help because they are trying to have a bowel movement but they cant get it out. Wonder how they suppose i can assist with that?? I wish them luck. They appreciate it. Priceless.
I timed my "lunch" break perfectly with the krispy kreme delivery man at Gate, the gas station at 3 o'clock in the morning. I get a donut from yesterday for free. Niccce. A happy surprise.
I get the comment, "i cant believe your husband let you work this shift" several times. In a weird way it makes me thankful my husband doesnt put boundaries on me like that.
Oh & Osama is dead.
What a night.
My Saturday
I was up before the sun. It's been awhile since i could say that. Too long.
It was unseasonably cool- North Face jacket weather to be exact. By late morning i was sweating in my tank top & it was too late to notice i was getting baked. There is something happy tho, about the first good burn of the season.
I fixed a pot of coffee for the first time since moving in. The coffee pot was still shoved in a top kitchen shelf, reminding me that im really not much of a home coffee drinker. It added a nice homey smell to a space that is still gaining "homey" status.
Our across-the-street neighbor, Natalee came over for support & pumpkin muffins. Her husband, Bud came over more times then necessary to make sure i didnt need help with any heavy lifting & to make sure hagglers werent taking advantage of me. They have the sweet neighbors gig down to a tee.
Our other neighbors, George & Gladys, or who z&i call "the canadians" came over for a formal introduction. They told me we live in Buella's house. It was sweet to have a name for the woman who loved this house before us, actually from it's beginning all the way thru her old age.
Later, i met one of the biggest spiders that i think i've ever seen, easily the size of my palm. I killed it with a hardbound michael connelly novel. Then i watched the ants come devour the free buffet.
I talked to my best friend about epic reunion plans for late this summer.
All while happily watching our junk walk away in the hands of strangers.
What didnt sell, i drove to Goodwill, the cherry on my hot fudge sundae... Felt so cleansing.
When Z came home from work we gave the house its first good bath. Like as in the hands & knees grout scrubbing variety. And we hung our first picture which seemed like the perfect way to celebrate our one-month anniversary of being homeowners. I must admit, this whole slow move in process was working all my nerves in the beginning but i have grown to love it. It has been a beautiful slow dance, the house & us, taking our time getting to know one another.
I baked a turkey casserole box dinner & corn muffins & threw together a ceasar salad mix a week past its sell-by date & we ate outside in our rocking chairs.
All in all, a very peaceful day. The kind that remind me that life at its core, tho sometimes rough around the edges, is indeed good.
It was unseasonably cool- North Face jacket weather to be exact. By late morning i was sweating in my tank top & it was too late to notice i was getting baked. There is something happy tho, about the first good burn of the season.
I fixed a pot of coffee for the first time since moving in. The coffee pot was still shoved in a top kitchen shelf, reminding me that im really not much of a home coffee drinker. It added a nice homey smell to a space that is still gaining "homey" status.
Our across-the-street neighbor, Natalee came over for support & pumpkin muffins. Her husband, Bud came over more times then necessary to make sure i didnt need help with any heavy lifting & to make sure hagglers werent taking advantage of me. They have the sweet neighbors gig down to a tee.
Our other neighbors, George & Gladys, or who z&i call "the canadians" came over for a formal introduction. They told me we live in Buella's house. It was sweet to have a name for the woman who loved this house before us, actually from it's beginning all the way thru her old age.
Later, i met one of the biggest spiders that i think i've ever seen, easily the size of my palm. I killed it with a hardbound michael connelly novel. Then i watched the ants come devour the free buffet.
I talked to my best friend about epic reunion plans for late this summer.
All while happily watching our junk walk away in the hands of strangers.
What didnt sell, i drove to Goodwill, the cherry on my hot fudge sundae... Felt so cleansing.
When Z came home from work we gave the house its first good bath. Like as in the hands & knees grout scrubbing variety. And we hung our first picture which seemed like the perfect way to celebrate our one-month anniversary of being homeowners. I must admit, this whole slow move in process was working all my nerves in the beginning but i have grown to love it. It has been a beautiful slow dance, the house & us, taking our time getting to know one another.
I baked a turkey casserole box dinner & corn muffins & threw together a ceasar salad mix a week past its sell-by date & we ate outside in our rocking chairs.
All in all, a very peaceful day. The kind that remind me that life at its core, tho sometimes rough around the edges, is indeed good.
Update
I tried to upload some pics to show life as of lately for us at the library last week, but the "server rejected" message put a stop to that.
I settled with facebook for now. I'm still struggling with my relationship with facebook. It's mostly convenient & i love some of the people i get to be in communication with because of it. The rest is still sketchy & i'm figuring it out as i go.
SO, i think my blogging is going to have to be put on hold until we join this century & purchase a computer.
Maybe a thought or two will be posted between then & now.
I settled with facebook for now. I'm still struggling with my relationship with facebook. It's mostly convenient & i love some of the people i get to be in communication with because of it. The rest is still sketchy & i'm figuring it out as i go.
SO, i think my blogging is going to have to be put on hold until we join this century & purchase a computer.
Maybe a thought or two will be posted between then & now.
3.30.2011
this kind of love
my best friend made this mix years ago. but i discovered a sister hazel song i'd never noticed before.
it made my eyes well up with tears on that drive home, just me, the moonlight & the freeway- my heart bursting with gratitude that these words couldn't be truer when it comes to the love between my husband & i.
i came home, walked thru the door, popped it into the cd player, took Zane's hand & pulled him up while we slowed danced around the living room.
it made my eyes well up with tears on that drive home, just me, the moonlight & the freeway- my heart bursting with gratitude that these words couldn't be truer when it comes to the love between my husband & i.
i came home, walked thru the door, popped it into the cd player, took Zane's hand & pulled him up while we slowed danced around the living room.
stronger?
i think my job is helping me to be more assertive. that & life experience over the past year.
working with seniors has been delightful, a truly positive experience. without trying to be amusing, it's really like working with babies, like 30 at a time.
i'm over what we call 'front hall' & it's known as a more dependent hallway as far as residents needs are concerned... vs. the more self-sufficient 'back hall' which i never get assigned. it's sort of flattering that this has become my hallway. at least that's what i remind myself when it gets hairy:) & the point of that is not to toot my horn, but to emphasis by default, i am feeling stronger because i have to be for them.
i understand seniors in a way that i never could have without this job & for that i feel so thankful that this opportunity dropped into my lap. i could go on & on about what i learn from them day to day, and occasionally i probably will babble a bit along those lines:)
i am enjoying a job that gives me stories to go home with every night. that is the coolest.
& while i'm rambling about my job, i loooove working nights. i was made to work nights, i can't imagine going back to mornings.
anyway back to the point about feeling stronger. i made a phone call a few days ago that i didn't foresee ever being able to make a few months ago. it was a healthy move, a baby step toward rebuilding that relationship.
& i didn't feel like a little girl controlled by the world around her. i felt like a woman, strong in her own rite.
working with seniors has been delightful, a truly positive experience. without trying to be amusing, it's really like working with babies, like 30 at a time.
i'm over what we call 'front hall' & it's known as a more dependent hallway as far as residents needs are concerned... vs. the more self-sufficient 'back hall' which i never get assigned. it's sort of flattering that this has become my hallway. at least that's what i remind myself when it gets hairy:) & the point of that is not to toot my horn, but to emphasis by default, i am feeling stronger because i have to be for them.
i understand seniors in a way that i never could have without this job & for that i feel so thankful that this opportunity dropped into my lap. i could go on & on about what i learn from them day to day, and occasionally i probably will babble a bit along those lines:)
i am enjoying a job that gives me stories to go home with every night. that is the coolest.
& while i'm rambling about my job, i loooove working nights. i was made to work nights, i can't imagine going back to mornings.
anyway back to the point about feeling stronger. i made a phone call a few days ago that i didn't foresee ever being able to make a few months ago. it was a healthy move, a baby step toward rebuilding that relationship.
& i didn't feel like a little girl controlled by the world around her. i felt like a woman, strong in her own rite.
praise for etsy
i can't speak highly enough of http://www.etsy.com/.
i stalk that place on a daily basis. i have made about 4 purchases, with a few more planned in the future & every time i am blown away by this little (actually huge) creative community.
every time i receive my purchase via mail it's like getting a delightful package from a friend. it's always hand-wrapped with care with personal notes enclosed.
i like that.
i stalk that place on a daily basis. i have made about 4 purchases, with a few more planned in the future & every time i am blown away by this little (actually huge) creative community.
every time i receive my purchase via mail it's like getting a delightful package from a friend. it's always hand-wrapped with care with personal notes enclosed.
i like that.
to blog or not
i've thought about writing 100x in the past couple months. i've actually taken pen to paper a handful of those times & today i make it official, blog-style.
blame it on transitioning to 'home-owner' & starting a new job that continues to evolve in the form of safety committees, med tech class & actual med-tech training that starts next week.
writing, for me, puts me in 'serious mode' and makes my mind go to places that are sometimes hard to swallow. it holds me to this higher standard that brings a level of responsibility & reality that sometimes is easier to just avoid.
to sum it up, it sort of feels like i get to escape growing pains if i leave the pen down.
bad anna i know. i should always be up for growth right? but the truth is, i'm not always up for it.
blame it on transitioning to 'home-owner' & starting a new job that continues to evolve in the form of safety committees, med tech class & actual med-tech training that starts next week.
writing, for me, puts me in 'serious mode' and makes my mind go to places that are sometimes hard to swallow. it holds me to this higher standard that brings a level of responsibility & reality that sometimes is easier to just avoid.
to sum it up, it sort of feels like i get to escape growing pains if i leave the pen down.
bad anna i know. i should always be up for growth right? but the truth is, i'm not always up for it.
to-do-list
Last night we went to Lowe's to look at paint colors. We have a photo of a houseboat in seattle that is more or less guiding our choices for the living room, but it was still agonizing.
We finally ended up with two paint chips called "trolley" & "rain puddle" aka bright red & pale grey. Sounds weird. Zane was on board before I was, but i'm officially excited about them.
Inspection day this morning with Mr. McGrew, also one of our last steps before we close in the morning.
He said lots of pretty things like, "i'm trying really hard to find something wrong with your house & i can't find anything guys."
There is probably a 10-page report with two columns on every page that say "major" & "minor." All the "major" columns are blank...
(Angels are singing somewhere on our behalf).
One of the HUGE highlights was to discover that we have a well that is connected to an irrigation system in both the front & back yard.
Endless water + cheap water bills? Yes, please! (We actually did a happy dance in the presence of Mr. McGrew).
Next was the termite inspection with Mr. Allen, which we also passed.
I was making small talk with the man over my afternoon dose of caffeine, when he said, "are you in a hurry or something?"
I told him I wasn't at all to which he then replied, "well this is going to take about 20-minutes (dot, dot, dot)
Ok, ok, hint taken. I was highly amused & shared this story with Zane via text message.
He replied with, "Sorry. I like your small talk." Awww...
Looking forward to making the jump to 'home-owners' tomorrow!
We finally ended up with two paint chips called "trolley" & "rain puddle" aka bright red & pale grey. Sounds weird. Zane was on board before I was, but i'm officially excited about them.
Inspection day this morning with Mr. McGrew, also one of our last steps before we close in the morning.
He said lots of pretty things like, "i'm trying really hard to find something wrong with your house & i can't find anything guys."
There is probably a 10-page report with two columns on every page that say "major" & "minor." All the "major" columns are blank...
(Angels are singing somewhere on our behalf).
One of the HUGE highlights was to discover that we have a well that is connected to an irrigation system in both the front & back yard.
Endless water + cheap water bills? Yes, please! (We actually did a happy dance in the presence of Mr. McGrew).
Next was the termite inspection with Mr. Allen, which we also passed.
I was making small talk with the man over my afternoon dose of caffeine, when he said, "are you in a hurry or something?"
I told him I wasn't at all to which he then replied, "well this is going to take about 20-minutes (dot, dot, dot)
Ok, ok, hint taken. I was highly amused & shared this story with Zane via text message.
He replied with, "Sorry. I like your small talk." Awww...
Looking forward to making the jump to 'home-owners' tomorrow!
sign
"i woke up in the blue room with the cracked ceiling. then i dressed in a hurry and snuck out the side door and walked into town. i stopped by my favorite cafe and drank a bowl size cup of coffee. i walked in the warm sand down to the beach early in the morning. it was quiet there. i laid on my towel and i looked at my feet that were tan and pretty against the crashing waves. the seagulls watched me, but only for the possibility of food. my hair whipped my face. i sat up to read the book i brought with me. it was a perfect day."
2.07.2011
Goodbye winter!
A word on humor
It was one of those magical moments where i was bursting at the seams to show Zane something funny & i just knew he would think it was funny too. i adore that moment where you're waiting anxiously for them to read the punch line & then the immense joy you feel when you finally hear that familiar laughter you knew was coming... aw...such a good feeling. To be on the same humor wave-length is so necessary.
Out with the old...
Zane is unlike me in the sense that he doesn't need to regularly purge his possesions like i do. Hence the reason he has a ridiculous amount of clothing, some dating back to his freshman year of high school. That makes them, let's see... like 9-years old. I can hardly keep things for 9-months. Anyway, his neck grew an inch, and breathing was becoming a hazard.
To see all these shirts bound for Goodwill was positively euphoric.
A word on watches
In my defense, wearing one at work is useful.
You, Me & St. Augustine
My portal into the natural world & enjoying my baby steps.
Tee-shirt weather in February? Ok:)
A1A Burrito Works, mmm..
Anything remotely retro immediately jumps into my heart.
What will i remember about this improptu date night? Zane discussing the depth of his loving relationship with blueberries while walking beside the bay at twilight. And lots of laughing.
weird
people always looks at our fridge & all the pics when they come over, many times they have been people we don't know well. people always ask who such & such is, and i'll tell them. and every.single.time. they always skip the picture of landon, even if they ask about pics of other kids on our fridge. it's almost become this silent game i play with myself to see if they'll ask- as weird as that sounds, but it's just happened enough times that it's almost too weird to be a coincidence. i have had a few occasions where people have literally asked me about every single picture on my fridge EXCEPT landon's, people who wouldn't even know to avoid asking about the picture. in my silly little mind, i tell myself that God is protecting me.
it's complicated, how do i even explain this.
i have never ever hid my son from anyone, if they ask, i'm happy to tell them about him, and even sometimes when they don't ask. all the same, bringing up such a heavy topic is not what i like to serve after dessert. so until a more logical answer surfaces, i'm just going to continue to believe that God is protecting me in this matter.
Junebug Turns 11
Our little Junebug turned 77 in dog-years three days ago.
She's quite the senior citizen. Today i came home to my (mini) jar of pure shea butter half-eaten. Can't wait for that to leave her system....
Of course I googled it, and found that i was not the only one who has a dog that's eaten shea butter. One comment made me laugh.
"At least she won't have to worry about stretch marks!"
Johnny's Security Blanket
We wonder a lot about what he must think. We've been told that dogs are pretty adaptable, and we hope it's true because he was tragically ripped from his old life, and it must have been so confusing. We know he came from a family that adored him, and treated him like a king & then one sad day, a terrible car accident took away their ability to care for their own needs, let alone his. Hence his new home with us.
We jokingly imagine if dogs went to therapy that Johnny would be there for his abandonment issues.
Fast forward a few months & that blanket lays abandoned in the hallway. Now he chooses the top of the couch pretty much over any other place in the house, preferably buried under a fleece blanket or two.
It warms my heart to know he loves his new home here with us.
Shout out to Bear Graphics
i also loved our dialogue while i was waiting for my package. someday i hope to feel the U.K. rain on my face.
(have a looksie at their etsy shop).
2.01.2011
The complicated side of me
The other day was the kind of day that found me sipping on loose-leaf detox tea blend & [blasting] britney spears.
I'm full of these kinds of contradictions and it alarms me how easy it is to desire cleanliness AND sing such dirty, overtly worldly things.
(& guiltily enjoy myself!!) That's the kicker.
And a word on music choices....the mister & i went to wal-mart & I bought the latest rihanna, he bought jerrod niemen(sp?), a country artist. How's that for opposites. But heres the thing that I adore. We can pop them BOTH into the car stereo and happily sing along to each others choices.
I'm full of these kinds of contradictions and it alarms me how easy it is to desire cleanliness AND sing such dirty, overtly worldly things.
(& guiltily enjoy myself!!) That's the kicker.
And a word on music choices....the mister & i went to wal-mart & I bought the latest rihanna, he bought jerrod niemen(sp?), a country artist. How's that for opposites. But heres the thing that I adore. We can pop them BOTH into the car stereo and happily sing along to each others choices.
A word on clothes
Yesterday was the kind of day that makes me want to wear a sweater, not because it was sweater-weather, actually it was 68 & lovely, but just because it's cute, and i like it.
It's from Anthropologie, my favorite store that i can't afford, but i found this 'anthropologie-reject' store a couple months ago, and picked up a bunch of things that needed some love in the form of buttons & sewing up holes & tears (& all for under like $8 a piece!)
This one in particular makes me smile because my friend made the comment that it looks like it has a doily on the front, and she didn't mean it in a good way. Which made Zane laugh because he secretly agreed.
Zane & I have never seen eye-to-eye on much of anything except for you know the "big/non-negotiables" of course. So we made a pact when we first started falling in love to never say anything negative about each other's wardrobes, or where they came from... (usually mine from Goodwill, his from Van Huesen) And I have to say we've both held up our ends of the bargain pretty well over the years. Of course styles have evolved, and sure comments have been made, but we've come so far as to have 'Color-Coordinated-Sundays.' So that's saying something.
These days
"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you." - Maori proverb
It was a Monday and it was the kind of
It was a perfectly unplanned day. Schedules, as if by magic, cleared themselves and we got to spend it with a new friend. The kind of friend that doesn't live anywhere near us. The kind of friend that you know you quite possibly won't ever see again, but it's still okay, because the time you get with them is enough.
The next day was confirmation of the goodness that was in the previous two days.
Another stranger knocks at the door, and leaves as a friend that we're thankful to know.
What i'll remember about him is staying up until almost 1 a.m., the three of us talking freely about every topic under the sun (literally, from Winnebagos to Adam & Eve), and just appreciating his honesty with us.
It's worth noting too, that sometimes gratitude becomes deeper and more real when you compare similar situations side by side. And last year at this time I stayed in bed all day because that was all I could seem to manage, and that dinner with Carl was a miserable blur. So to have his companion this year accompanied by a peaceful home, and a sound mind is all-together wonderful, and makes for Cloud-9 Days.
1.15.2011
It was no ordinary week, but this is no ordinary January.
Two loved ones finally come riding into town in a red Cobalt last Thursday night. Anticipation over this reunion built up over 22-long-months, and it came almost a day early! Hugs like tight, lingering squeezes of relief & happiness were exchanged.
FRIDAY- Sleeping in, the Farmer’s Market, Five Crowns, afternoon naps, Christmas, a walk to the water with the dogs at sunset, Despicable Me, constant chatter plus laughter all day long.
SATURDAY- My second to last shift at a job I’m so ready to leave. Loving the thought that at the end of a long day I get to come home to a house full of loved ones. SEA vs. SAINTS = incredible game. Teasing texts with our friends in New Orleans.
SUNDAY- Mom stuck in bed with a migraine. Meeting with Dad, a wonderful conversation shared on the road, advice given. A true desire to apply said advice quickly. Feeling inspired- ‘if he can do it, I can do it too.’ Loved introducing my Dad to my meeting family. Starting to feel sick on the drive home. Mom is feeling better. Grilled mozzarella on multi-grain plus my favorite brand of box soup for lunch. Southwestern Corn Chowder & Sweet Red Pepper. I burned the bread, and confirmed that ‘a Martha Stewart I am not.’ I think I will always be a little chaotic, messy & imperfect in the kitchen (& most other areas too). I find myself reverting back to my kid self without much of a fight when it comes to letting Mom do dishes after lunch. (I’d do them later, but she can’t let messes be. I should probably work on NOT letting messes be so much…) A community nap hour required. Woke up feeling better & craving Crunch Berry’s. Games played, games are never turned down in this family. Mexican Train introduced… and loved… I spy lots of it in the future. Feeling icky again. Hot bath-time with my herbal soak that I swear by. A hot towel delivered to me by Mom. Straight to bed with hopes of feeling good again by morning. But still, a wonderful day all the same.
MONDAY- A long, sound night of sleep, woke up feeling much stronger. Zane works, Dad sleeps. Coffee + drive to St. Augustine with Mom. I get to show her my commute. Drop her off for some solo shopping while I drive to Emeritus for the first time. Fill out paperwork while it rains + thunders outside. Morning thunder feels like a good omen. I feel calm & strong & ready to take on this new chapter in my life as I meet new co-workers & tour the residence & even meet a few of it’s residents. Repeated remarks are made for a need to have a tough skin; they are internally noted. I want to laugh and tell them not to be fooled by my five feet, but I don’t because I know my skin could be thicker. I’m ready for this opportunity to thicken it, and for my patience to grow.
I probably won’t love my new commute every single day, but I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised. It took less time than I had originally thought it would, even tho it’s further into Jacksonville then I had imagined. I like that. I think I’m going to love the feeling of driving into the city.
I came back for Mom. She showed me her favorite store, one I’d never been to. I even found something small & perfect for my best friend. I have high hopes that I can give it to her in person in March.
I showed Mom my store. She met three of my favorites. We picked out something to replace my brothers Christmas present that ‘wasn’t him.’ She tried on a beautiful red jacket that I never would’ve picked out for her, but it was perfect, and now I’ll think of her every time I see it.
Next stop, The Gourmet Hut. It was 70-degrees & overcast. A little breezy, but we were still able to sit outside. Amazing in January. Enjoyed the Montana Panini, a hot apple pie cider, and views of the fort. Dad raved over my leftovers.
Next stop Luli’s for four-cupcakes. Blueberry fields forever, lemon twist, Oreo & PB chocolate. Dad loved his Oreo cupcake, he told Mom she picked out the perfect one for him. Double sweet.
Afternoon of naps and games, and a night of Papa John’s & the Fiesta Bowl. Me against three, go Auburn. FB & football. I couldn’t honestly care less, but I find myself getting caught up in the camaraderie of it all and loving it. Plus knowing it’s something that my husband loves, I vow to be more into it for him. What a day. Full. Complete. Perfect.
TUESDAY – Sleeping in, orange rolls, mom & dad get their first peek of the outside of our house, then browsing at my favorite antique store, Our Old Stuff. I find a 1st edition Dr. Seuss book from 1973 that I’ve never read before, and a retro rollerblading Ken Barbie doll (complete with knee pads & a fanny pack in neon colors!) that knocks my socks off. (Sometimes I get silly notions about collecting kids stuff to have at the house). Next, a drive by our counselor’s beautiful home, and a walk down on the canal. It’s a beautiful, but cold day. Walking along seagulls comfortable with humans & sticking my arm in bird poo all add to the experience. Wendy’s for lunch, conversing about wishes to ‘stock up’ warmth from excessively hot summer days & use them on chilly days like this one. Lowes + Winn Dixie for car remote batteries & groceries. Meals planned. Mom makes pumpkin bars. Games. Benjamin Button. Leafing thru Design magazines to stir up inspiration. Kiss the Groom, a new favorite wedding blog. June pees in the elevator, a hilarious first.
WEDNESDAY – sleep in, Zane has the day off with us, get paid, pay bills online, (sigh with relief), Zane fixes annoying work mistakes via phone next to me in bed while I journal, we take the dogs out, snuggle with them, see the inside of the house + mom & dad meet our realtor, take lots of pics, Rossi’s for lunch & breakfast. We are the only state without snow on the ground today. Lacey texts, she is still stuck in St. Thomas due to weather in the states. I feel so removed from all this crazy weather, even tho it is definitely cold outside. Games, thoughts of naps, couch-sitting, joking, snacking, magazine-reading, picture album-flipping, togetherness. Mom helped me try a new shrimp recipe that was a massive hit. I also introduced my mozzarella + black beans + BBQ nachos. Then I made truffles & a spaghetti casserole for dinner tomorrow. It was an exhausting & wonderfully successful day, just like the previous ones have been.
THURSDAY – the boys go shooting at the range. Dad gave Zane a gun for x-mas. He has been in boy heaven since mom & dad got here between all the guns plus constant sports chatter. Mom & I go on a shopping mission in Palm Coast to outfit her new guestroom since she & dad will soon be ‘empty-nesters.’ It was wildly successful. I even found a perfect polo for work & some nerdy, (but awesome!) comfy work shoes from Beall’s, mom’s favorite store in PC that I never go to. It’s nice to have an excuse to try different things. Thai food for lunch…. she got one of my favorites #53 Pad-See-Ew. Then we crashed at home, shopping bags strewn all over our kitchen & family room. The boys are home too. We all laid low, rested, snacked, chilled until it was time to leave for bible study. Drove thru the Country Cooler for water & Red Bull. Everyone is impressed by the busyness of this little place out in the country on a dark winter night. Mom & Dad meet our bible study family. Fellowship is enjoyed. Plans are made for Sunday lunch. Stories are shared. Spaghetti casserole is waiting at home. We snack too much while playing games & waiting for it in the oven. This perfect little week has drawn to a close, with the comfort of another one to wake up to in the morning.
FRIDAY- Sleeping in, the Farmer’s Market, Five Crowns, afternoon naps, Christmas, a walk to the water with the dogs at sunset, Despicable Me, constant chatter plus laughter all day long.
SATURDAY- My second to last shift at a job I’m so ready to leave. Loving the thought that at the end of a long day I get to come home to a house full of loved ones. SEA vs. SAINTS = incredible game. Teasing texts with our friends in New Orleans.
SUNDAY- Mom stuck in bed with a migraine. Meeting with Dad, a wonderful conversation shared on the road, advice given. A true desire to apply said advice quickly. Feeling inspired- ‘if he can do it, I can do it too.’ Loved introducing my Dad to my meeting family. Starting to feel sick on the drive home. Mom is feeling better. Grilled mozzarella on multi-grain plus my favorite brand of box soup for lunch. Southwestern Corn Chowder & Sweet Red Pepper. I burned the bread, and confirmed that ‘a Martha Stewart I am not.’ I think I will always be a little chaotic, messy & imperfect in the kitchen (& most other areas too). I find myself reverting back to my kid self without much of a fight when it comes to letting Mom do dishes after lunch. (I’d do them later, but she can’t let messes be. I should probably work on NOT letting messes be so much…) A community nap hour required. Woke up feeling better & craving Crunch Berry’s. Games played, games are never turned down in this family. Mexican Train introduced… and loved… I spy lots of it in the future. Feeling icky again. Hot bath-time with my herbal soak that I swear by. A hot towel delivered to me by Mom. Straight to bed with hopes of feeling good again by morning. But still, a wonderful day all the same.
MONDAY- A long, sound night of sleep, woke up feeling much stronger. Zane works, Dad sleeps. Coffee + drive to St. Augustine with Mom. I get to show her my commute. Drop her off for some solo shopping while I drive to Emeritus for the first time. Fill out paperwork while it rains + thunders outside. Morning thunder feels like a good omen. I feel calm & strong & ready to take on this new chapter in my life as I meet new co-workers & tour the residence & even meet a few of it’s residents. Repeated remarks are made for a need to have a tough skin; they are internally noted. I want to laugh and tell them not to be fooled by my five feet, but I don’t because I know my skin could be thicker. I’m ready for this opportunity to thicken it, and for my patience to grow.
I probably won’t love my new commute every single day, but I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised. It took less time than I had originally thought it would, even tho it’s further into Jacksonville then I had imagined. I like that. I think I’m going to love the feeling of driving into the city.
I came back for Mom. She showed me her favorite store, one I’d never been to. I even found something small & perfect for my best friend. I have high hopes that I can give it to her in person in March.
I showed Mom my store. She met three of my favorites. We picked out something to replace my brothers Christmas present that ‘wasn’t him.’ She tried on a beautiful red jacket that I never would’ve picked out for her, but it was perfect, and now I’ll think of her every time I see it.
Next stop, The Gourmet Hut. It was 70-degrees & overcast. A little breezy, but we were still able to sit outside. Amazing in January. Enjoyed the Montana Panini, a hot apple pie cider, and views of the fort. Dad raved over my leftovers.
Next stop Luli’s for four-cupcakes. Blueberry fields forever, lemon twist, Oreo & PB chocolate. Dad loved his Oreo cupcake, he told Mom she picked out the perfect one for him. Double sweet.
Afternoon of naps and games, and a night of Papa John’s & the Fiesta Bowl. Me against three, go Auburn. FB & football. I couldn’t honestly care less, but I find myself getting caught up in the camaraderie of it all and loving it. Plus knowing it’s something that my husband loves, I vow to be more into it for him. What a day. Full. Complete. Perfect.
TUESDAY – Sleeping in, orange rolls, mom & dad get their first peek of the outside of our house, then browsing at my favorite antique store, Our Old Stuff. I find a 1st edition Dr. Seuss book from 1973 that I’ve never read before, and a retro rollerblading Ken Barbie doll (complete with knee pads & a fanny pack in neon colors!) that knocks my socks off. (Sometimes I get silly notions about collecting kids stuff to have at the house). Next, a drive by our counselor’s beautiful home, and a walk down on the canal. It’s a beautiful, but cold day. Walking along seagulls comfortable with humans & sticking my arm in bird poo all add to the experience. Wendy’s for lunch, conversing about wishes to ‘stock up’ warmth from excessively hot summer days & use them on chilly days like this one. Lowes + Winn Dixie for car remote batteries & groceries. Meals planned. Mom makes pumpkin bars. Games. Benjamin Button. Leafing thru Design magazines to stir up inspiration. Kiss the Groom, a new favorite wedding blog. June pees in the elevator, a hilarious first.
WEDNESDAY – sleep in, Zane has the day off with us, get paid, pay bills online, (sigh with relief), Zane fixes annoying work mistakes via phone next to me in bed while I journal, we take the dogs out, snuggle with them, see the inside of the house + mom & dad meet our realtor, take lots of pics, Rossi’s for lunch & breakfast. We are the only state without snow on the ground today. Lacey texts, she is still stuck in St. Thomas due to weather in the states. I feel so removed from all this crazy weather, even tho it is definitely cold outside. Games, thoughts of naps, couch-sitting, joking, snacking, magazine-reading, picture album-flipping, togetherness. Mom helped me try a new shrimp recipe that was a massive hit. I also introduced my mozzarella + black beans + BBQ nachos. Then I made truffles & a spaghetti casserole for dinner tomorrow. It was an exhausting & wonderfully successful day, just like the previous ones have been.
THURSDAY – the boys go shooting at the range. Dad gave Zane a gun for x-mas. He has been in boy heaven since mom & dad got here between all the guns plus constant sports chatter. Mom & I go on a shopping mission in Palm Coast to outfit her new guestroom since she & dad will soon be ‘empty-nesters.’ It was wildly successful. I even found a perfect polo for work & some nerdy, (but awesome!) comfy work shoes from Beall’s, mom’s favorite store in PC that I never go to. It’s nice to have an excuse to try different things. Thai food for lunch…. she got one of my favorites #53 Pad-See-Ew. Then we crashed at home, shopping bags strewn all over our kitchen & family room. The boys are home too. We all laid low, rested, snacked, chilled until it was time to leave for bible study. Drove thru the Country Cooler for water & Red Bull. Everyone is impressed by the busyness of this little place out in the country on a dark winter night. Mom & Dad meet our bible study family. Fellowship is enjoyed. Plans are made for Sunday lunch. Stories are shared. Spaghetti casserole is waiting at home. We snack too much while playing games & waiting for it in the oven. This perfect little week has drawn to a close, with the comfort of another one to wake up to in the morning.
1.08.2011
I don't want to write, because I don't want to do the deep thinking and the digging that requires right now.
Part of me feels badly about that, and part of me thinks it's okay to give myself a break.
But then it kind of feels like i'm giving myself a break from a chance to grow, and that feels icky.
Anyhoo, my parents are here, and i'm just going to focus on being present during this time with my family.
Part of me feels badly about that, and part of me thinks it's okay to give myself a break.
But then it kind of feels like i'm giving myself a break from a chance to grow, and that feels icky.
Anyhoo, my parents are here, and i'm just going to focus on being present during this time with my family.
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