feeling blue.

i have this weird problem. i get vacation days & i panic. before they arrive i feel excited so i'm not totally crazy, but i force myself not to think about them so i feel more focused. & i must do too good of a job because once they come i just freeze & i don't know what to do with myself. life is all about what you do with plan b. i know that. but when plan a fell thru my brain refused to cooperate. you know how you can wish so hard to feel a certain way- even pray- you know the way you are feeling presently is not edifying to you or anyone else- but no matter how many happy thoughts you set your mind on- you can't shake the blues. & sooo here i sit & feel sorry for myself because i'm wasting my precious 'me-time' not knowing how to most wisely spend my time & panicing that when tuesday rolls around i'll feel like i haven't rested at all or re-energized my soul. it's just a really awful feeling. this morning i woke up in such a funk. i got to sleep in- i should've felt bliss. peace. high on life. but i'm not. i haven't felt like this in awhile. i think maybe it's because when i work i have something to focus on & i just throw myself into that- but when i'm just at home thinking about how much empty time i have on my hands my brain goes to places that i didn't have time to go before. so here i am feeling funky. & not a good funky. for the first time in a long time i feel like i'm having to search out the good in my day. & thankfully i'm still finding it. i just don't like how icky it makes me feel to have to dig. have i mentioned how much i HATE this feeling. it brings me straight back to a time in my life where this feeling was normal & when it left it was supposed to never come back. but here it is, uninvited, hanging over me like my own personal rain cloud. anyway it can't rain forever. i have been feeling some sunshine peek thru & warm my heart when i think about how lucky i am to have the people that i have in my life. people that choose to love me. people that don't have to love me- but they do. i am thankful for you today.